Welcome to Bedpan Alley! (Honest Names For Nursing Homes)

A senior living facility called “Symphony Square ” recently opened up in my neighborhood. It doesn’t have a symphony. Nor is it square. So what’s with the name? I’m guessing that a consultant was paid big bucks to come up with that enticing moniker. Perhaps the same outfit that named similar local facilities “The Quadrangle” and “Sunrise at Haverford.”

Appealing, sure, but truthful? Not particularly. So, as a public service, I’ve brainstormed a few nursing home names that are more to the point. If you‘re thinking of opening an assisted living facility, feel free to call it:

Geezer Glen

Altacocker Acres

Polyp Place

Ferklempt Estates

Coronary Chateau

Memory Loss Manor

Vertigo Village

Disorientation Terrace

Get Me Outta Here Gardens

Altzheimers Acres

End O’ Life Residence

Almost Heaven Homes

Deathview Villas

Reaching The End Estates

Abandoned Here Manor

Demented Gardens

Sunset, A Pricey Home for Codger Care

Olde People Warehouse

Over the Hill Terrace

What Have You Done With My Apartment Senior Care

Bedpan Alley

Catheter Flats

Please Cut My Toenails Place

Severely Diminished Quality of Life Estates

Thanks A Lot, Kids! Villas

Would I rather spend my final days wandering around Symphony Square in search of that elusive, nonexistent orchestra? Or settle in at The Happy Ending Center for Fully Insured Seniors?

Actually, neither. My plan is to age in place till I’m 100, then get hit by a bus. Wish Me Luck!

(Roz Warren is the author of Just Another Day At Your Local Public Library and Our Bodies, Our Shelves: Library Humor.)