Welcome To My Autopsy
The victim’s will to live certainly perished at the thought of having to drink mocktails
I hover behind two people as they stare sympathetically over a lifeless body. The deceased’s name is uttered, and I shudder. The name is my own…
Medical Examiner: Case presented is a 34-year-old woman found dead on the floor of her workplace.
Detective: We initially suspected foul play. Early this morning, security cameras show our victim bending over with a pained expression, but apparently a coworker was sharing the intricate details of something called [flips notebook]…a capybara wedding.
M.E.: That sounds traumatic. And since she had no prior medical issues, I conclude her kidneys failed due to weathering this rodent wedding conversation. What happened next in our victim’s day?
Det: Our victim was aggressively invited to a no-alcohol happy hour.
[The Medical Examiner sighs heavily]
M.E.: Well, that explains why the victim’s liver is missing.
[The Detective stares, dumbfounded]
M.E.: Once “no-alcohol” was uttered, I believe Mr. Liver left the metaphorical building. I’ve seen this before.
Det: Is that what ended our victim’s life?
M.E.: The victim’s will to live certainly perished at the thought of having to drink mocktails, but her physical body remained semi-functional. What happened next in our victim’s day?
Det: The tech team discovered an email exchange where the victim was asked to update all corporate letterheads from cobalt blue to [flips notebook]…navy blue.
M.E.: That certainly explains why the pulmonary inspection revealed our victim’s lungs tore and filled with fluid, obstructing her ability to intake oxygen.
Det: Wait, admin tasks cause lung failure?
M.E.: I imagine a substantial amount of internal screaming is involved, so yes.
Det: So, admin work is the culprit?
M.E.: Think through the entire series of events! Rodent wedding, mocktails, administrative drudgery. What sensation kills both body and soul?
Det: You’re not suggesting —
M.E.: I am!
Det: This must be the first documented case of —
M.E.: Tedious Mortis. Our victim was bored to death.
Det: Medically speaking, is the entire office responsible?
M.E.: My fresh signature on the death certificate attests to exactly that. Best of luck on the multiple manslaughter convictions, Detective.
Justice will be served against my bland tormentors. My consciousness ascends to the heavens. I am finally at peace.
