Welcome to Once Upon the News on Tales FM!
THE transmission for keeping up with the magical People world.
I don’t remember when it all started, but recently I have been waking up at the same time, every night, when the moon is still up and the sky is still dark.
At first, what I got from those irritating breaks in my sleeping schedule was nothing very tangible.
It was static.
Static.
My sleepy mind attributed the whole situation to my increasing nerves, with college inscription deadlines knocking on the door and my future mortgages peeking at me from under my bed.
Last night, though, as I turned and turned around, tying myself in the sheets, I got some concrete sound.
“Welcome, Talers, to this transmission of Once Upon the News on Tales FM! This is Humpty Dumpty and I am here to break down the magical People highlights to you guys.”
I was so startled by that voice that echoed between my ears — i.e. in my brain — that I missed the entire sponsored section.
I stared wide-eyed at the ceiling and tried to find the radio frequency again, scrunching my eyebrows at various intensity.
The sound came back after a some crackling and popping.
“Without any further ado, let’s jump in.
I nearly fell off my chair this morning when I discovered Instagrandma’s new most-followed celebrity. @agirlinred has hiked up a few thousand places in the ranking after uploading a one-minute “How to Get Rid of Nasty Wolves” video, bypassing @fairygodmommy and her express make-up tutorials. @agirlinred’s post has received approving likes from several other blue-check-badgers, notably from the famous pop band @3pigsinthehouse .
Meanwhile, Cindy Ella’s new ShoeTube video has gone viral. The singer’s new single ‘Twelve Strokes of Midnight’ looks all set to top next month’s Bremen chart, still miles in front of Frog King and the 1, 2, 3 Eyes! trio, whose tracks on Spoturfly and Eye-tune still haven’t blown records. Here are the first notes of the hit-”
The sound faded into a low drowse, so I tapped my temple to get it back.
“It is now time for our special romance section, kindly sponsored by Rumplestil’s Silks.
They are single:
Bluebeard. The hipster gentleman is looking for a new wife. The ideal candidate is pretty, loyal, and an only child.
The Evil Queen. Her Majesty offers the throne adjacent to hers to any handsome man that would confirm her as the fairest in the land. Men with gorgeous daughters can apply at their child’s own risk.
They are married:
His Excellence the Sultan Shahryar has tied another knot, this time with his chief vizier’s daughter Sheherazade. We wish them a long ever after-”
I got up to elbow my sister; her snoring was disturbing the connection.
To my great deception, the romantic moment was already over when I lied again.
“I am now with the famous Beauty, who has recently launched a new book. Beauty, would you mind telling us a little more about ‘Because of a Rose’?”
“Not at all, Humpty. It’s a new autobiography. In it, I reflect on how small details can have a monstrous impact on your destiny. It really is something when things in life start talking to you.”
“Delightful! Thank you, Beauty. It’s definitely on my to-read list. Reminder to our audience to buy your own copy of ‘Because of a Rose’ on Amazin’.”
I reached out for a pen and a notepad, and wrote the title down, hoping that our Amazon would have it too. Amazon has everything, after all.
“We have now come to the end of this Midnight News transmission, brought to you by Rapungel, the shampoo that will make your hair glow.
Thank you for sticking with us, Talers, tune back ever after for more magical news!”
After three short musical notes — tin TIN tin — , the voice was gone, leaving me and the future-mortgages-under-the-bed pretty confused. They even stared at me like “What has just happened?”
When they went back to their vicious peeking, I was still sitting, pen in hand.
I bit my lip and promised myself to never, ever, drink so much orange juice again.
Then, I started writing.
