Welcome to the Fitfulness Gym
Convenient, affordable, and all in your head!
Hi!
Welcome to the fitfulness gym, where your mind never gives it a rest!
Let me show you our equipment so you can start your exercise in futility!
Dreadmill
Thoughts running 100 miles an hour?
Run yourself to the ground with one step forward, two steps back!
ScareMaster
Get your heart pumping with that sinking feeling you know so well.
Feel the burn from the ups and downs of life without getting anywhere!
Lowing machine
Roll back on all your progress in one fell swoop.
Every time you pull yourself together, it will pull you right back in!
Tailspin bike
Ready to get your vicious circle going? Time to spiral out of control!
To keep up your pace, say out loud, ‘COULD HAVE, SHOULD HAVE, WOULD HAVE!’
Dead weights
Feels like you are not pulling your weight and can never live up to others’ expectations?
Carry the weight of the world on your shoulder for maximum effect!
Mental gymnastic
Twist yourself into knots and squirm in your seat.
Put your foot in your mouth and distort the truth!
HissyFit
Dig yourself into deeper holes until you hit rock bottom, or you can always make a mountain out of a molehill!
Stuck in a rut? Banging your head against a wall is a great option!
Personal straining
Our awesome trainers are here to motivate you with helpful questions like “How could you?” “What were you thinking?” “What’s wrong with you?”
Saunas & Showers
Enjoy a spacious shower where the sound of your cry will echo back to your childhood pain, and the feeling something has gone horribly wrong will never wash away!
Our ego-friendly sauna is heated with simmering resentment, so you can sweat the small and big stuff. And the walls are finished with salt for you to rub on your wounds!
Snacks
Feeling empty inside? Keep the gnawing pain at bay with our energy bar, made with 100 percent ‘your words’!
FAQ
Q: Is this hell?
A: No shit Sherlock. Of course, it is! You hit your head when you fell off the treadmill in your ‘fitness’ gym.
Who would have thought not only the god exists, but it’s one of those fitness gurus you so despised? Don’t worry. You now have an eternity to work that one out!
This piece was first published in Robot Butt
