
Welcome to the Monkey House
Drumpf doubles down on DeSantis’ racial slurs
Always looking for a way to further alienate the majority of Americans, Drumpf rose to the defense of Ron DeSantis after he fell under fire for referencing his opponent Andrew Gilliam with “monkey.” He hopped on Air Force One and flew to Florida to schedule a joint appearance with DeSantis at the Ape House exhibit of Florida’s Universal Park’s Flag World.
DeSantis told viewers not to “monkey with the election” by voting for Gilliam, that Gilliam’s administration would leave Floridians homeless and “swinging from the trees,” and that “even thinking of voting for Gilliam would be bananas.”
“But he talks good for a tar baby,” DeSantis added. The comments prompted universal condemnation from every media outlet but FOX and Sinclair. “I don’t see what the problem is,” DeSantis defended himself. “No real American believes in evolution, so if God lets them hang around waiting for us to throw them some peanuts, no one objects.”
Within an hour of the uproar, Drumpf Tweeted, “Don’t know why their bashing good man Rick DeSantis. But if they weren’t in the media they’d be refusing to STAND FOR THE FLAG at ball games. Florida will be EATING JIM CROW if the commie wins.”
DeSantis told viewers not to “monkey with the election” by voting for Gilliam, that Gilliam’s administration would leave Floridians homeless and “swinging from the trees,” and that “even thinking of voting for Gilliam would be bananas.”
He later Tweeted: “We saw how badly Obama ruined America. Now we want to let his FELLOW TRAVELER ruin the GRATE STATE of Florida? I’ll be rubbing heads for luck.”
The planned rally that followed was short lived. Only three people could be lured away from the “Dubble Dee Wet T-Shirt Alligator Mud Wrestling” exhibit to attend, and no one in Orlando answered the ad for “paid actors to show up an support our Commander-in-Chief.” Even FOX skipped the event to cover the McCain funeral.
The planned rally was short lived. Only three people could be lured away from the “Dubble Dee Wet T-Shirt Alligator Mud Wrestling” exhibit.

Minnie Minwage of the Kissimmee Shopper, the only journalist to cover the event, reported that DeSantis displayed a tar baby doll “to illustrate how stuck we’ll be if Gilliam wins,” while Drumpf spent the entire time on the roof trying to get the attention of the concrete orangutan.
When the rally broke up after ten minutes,* Drumpf stuck his finger in the tar baby. No one was able to remove it until Chief of Staff John Kelly called in a special EMT unit from Walter Reed when Air Force One arrived back in DC.
Flag World is the sixteenth most popular tourist attraction in the Orlando area, after Disney, Universal Studios, and Der Wienerschnitzel’s Dog World. The Haven verified that no other theme park would book the last minute appearance. Flag World only did so after Drumpf promised he would deliver “twelve Playmates, ten Pets, and five glitter-covered porn stars” for a themed weekend after the elections.
“We all support the President in everything he does, especially in Florida, but we don’t want him in the same city with our daughters.”
Park owner, SL Eezebagg told The Haven, “We all support the President in everything he does, especially in Florida, but we don’t want him in the same city with our daughters.”
*Because one of the three attendees shouted, “I’m bored, daddy. Can we ogle the milk jugs again?” His mother spoke sharply with the father, and dragged the child away.
Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:
- Allan Ishac
- Steven Rouach
- The White House Log, a roundup of my reporting.

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.




