Welcome to the World, Human Baby! From a Fur Baby’s Parents
Parenthood is a bittersweet journey, however many legs our children have!
Dearest Meg and Brandon,
Porter and I want to congratulate you on the birth of Jasper! Having your first baby is a blessed event indeed, and we both wish you a lifetime of happiness with your undoubtedly precious little bundle of joy.
While we understand our situations are not precisely the same, we do feel a definite kinship with you two, brand new mommy and daddy! Like you, we anticipated the arrival of our labradoodle Maximus for nine months (the amount of time it took for us to find an appropriately pure-bred rescue doggie). We also “feathered our nest,” as it were, with hand knit puppy sweaters and thoughtfully curated chew toys, and were utterly delighted when our fur baby skittered into our living room for the first time (darn those highly polished oak floors!)
Looking ahead, we know you’ll both treasure your many “firsts” with small Jasper — first temper tantrum in church, first time the neighbors call the police because of his rock music blaring at all hours, etc. We wish we could share comparable experiences, truly! But we confess that Max is tantrum-free, and that his incessant midnight barking merely reassures the neighborhood that their favorite guard doggie is ever on duty.
While we do pay a hefty sum for organic pet food, we realize we’ll never have to spend the $500+ per week on groceries you’ll require to feed your ever-ravenous future high school quarterback. We hope you’re keeping an eye on that Ivy League tuition (who knows, maybe Jasper will be a genius! Or pigs will fly! So don’t worry too much!). We plan to invest what we would have spent educating a human, on our wine cellar, and regular getaways to Paris.
We do envy you those profound parenting moments we’ll never have, though. We will miss out on those special diaper changes, as we let Max poop all over the neighbor’s yard. We don’t think you’re allowed to do that with Jasper, unless we’re mistaken? We’ll never have those long, bonding appointments at the orthodontist. We let our groomer bathe and prettify Maximus, so different from those 45 minute showers and immersions in AXE cologne your Jas will probably favor. We will never shed those emotional tears when confronted by a sullen teen, because odds are Max will never scream at us that we suck.
In the blink of an eye, Jasper will be an adult, laying on his therapist’s couch and sharing how much he hates you. Meanwhile our Maxie only uses a couch to shred the upholstery, and has never once deeply hurt us. We’re sure Jasper feels closer to you than our furry babe does to us, though, and we are a wee bit melancholy about that. Parenthood is a bittersweet journey, however many legs our children have!
Please keep in touch. We would love to see pictures as Jasper grows. We’d invite you over, but Max is honestly very aggressive with human children, and we’d really hate to see Jasper mauled. Maybe we can socialize in about 14 years, when your son is locked in his room playing Mortal Kombat 12, or whatever it is they play. By then, our Maximus will have crossed that rainbow bridge, so we can once again display our delicate Limoges figurines and enjoy carefree vacations at exclusive Caribbean resorts. We’d include you in our travel plans, but that would leave Jasper alone in your house with his pot smoking, beer chugging friends, wouldn’t it?
Bless you, Meg and Brandon, and your adorable gift from Heaven above!
Max says, “Woof!”
Much love,
Marilou and Porter
