Welcome to Weedcheese™!

Is this your first time here? Yes? Ok great! I’m going to first have you step on this scale right here, one at a time. I need to weigh you.

What’s your name please? We’ll announce your weight to the store. Sorry, it’s just a fraud thing we have to do. You’ll see your name up there on that screen with your entry weight next to it. You’d be surprised how many people try to cheap out on their Cheesehaul™.

It’s simple. We just weigh you at the beginning of your visit, then weigh you at the end of it. We charge based on how much weight you gained. It’s kind of like that frozen yogurt place your kids love. But it’s for you, for adults, and it’s Weedcheese.

What’s that? Oh, the bathrooms? Yes, well, we don’t have toilets if you’re thinking about gaming the system, just urinals. No pooping in the urinals either. That happens more than you’d think. For you ma’am we installed the urinals in the middle of the bathroom floor so you can kind of straddle them like this. Have you ever been on a carousal? It feels kinda like that, except our urinals don’t go up and down. You’ll find little wooden foot stools in there. That’s so you can rest your feet if you’re short so you’re not dangling there like your riding a toilet horse. We wouldn’t want that!

We learned that one the hard way dontchaknow. We had this guy Bud who would come in here at 160 pounds and he would always leave at 160 pounds, even though he had practically cleared out our supply of Giggle Smoke Swiss.

He was poopin’ the difference, got free Weedcheese™ for a month before we figured it out. Now Bud works for us, he guards the cheese. He’s right over there. Say hi to Bud. Hi Bud!

It’s always one asshole — literally — who ruins it for everyone isn’t it? I don’t really like Bud. But Bud likes me I think. He likes everyone. It’s a little much if you ask me.

At Weedcheese™, you’re welcome to hang out as much as you’d like, though. That person over there has been asleep on the couch for at least three hours. I don’t judge.

In the main room here, we keep it a balmy 50 degrees F. This serves two purposes: to keep the cheese fresh and to prevent the Cheesesweats™. It’s another way people try to game the system. Yes your Cheesewater™ weight makes a difference. Corporate tells us every ounce matters. So we listen of course. Hey, don’t shoot the messenger!

You’ll notice that room in the back, the one enclosed in glass. Yes, that’s our normal temperature room (75 degrees F)where we keep our highest brow of Weedcheese™. It’s temperature controlled by our Cheesadore™. Don’t be too impressed, it’s just a humidor with a cheese sticker on it. You’re only allowed back there if you are a member, though, if you’re a Bigcheese™! Actually, that reminds me, do you want to become a Bigcheese™? You might even get your picture on the wall here if eat your entire Cheesehaul™.

No? Ok, well, maybe next time.

A menu you ask? Well of course. Here you go.

Giggle Smoked Swiss
Smoked with a giggle on our lips. A fan favorite.

Gary’s Gouda Ganga
Gary’s very first recipe. A must try.

Havarti Hashpipe
Shred that gnar.

Chong’s Cheddar
Cheech is mad it’s not named after him. But we don’t care!

Stink Goat
This one’s for you, pretentious foodie person.

Cheese Wizzle
Tip your head back, open your mouth, and press the little white stick down. It’s the Cheapcheese™, but it’s a fan favorite.

Oh wow, I almost forgot, take a punch card. Corporate drew inspiration from Swiss cheese for the punch card, apparently. I put a note in the employee suggestion box over there telling them it wouldn’t work. I told management in my letter, I told them that it’s already punched because it’s a Swiss Cheese Club Card. But what do I know amiright? I’m just an hourly employee!

Ok, well that about covers it! Enjoy your time at Weedcheese™!