We’ll Be Boarding Your Flight by Status
Elite Air will begin boarding of Elite 321, nonstop service to New York’s JFK, in two minutes. We know you have a choice of airlines, and we thank you for choosing Elite Air.
Passengers who have million miles status are now welcome to board.
All passengers seated in First Class who paid full fare are welcome to board at any time. We are so grateful that there are still people with the sense to spend $20,000 on a domestic flight lasting only an hour; you’re our Most Elite Elites, we have provided a little gift bag at your seat, and you are welcome to chat with our flight attendants, who will make a sincere effort to act as if they find you interesting.
Passengers in the Elitest Club are now welcome to board, but please be sure to bow to any million milers you pass, and, please, just friendly advice, but DO NOT TOUCH THEM. It doesn’t rub off, you know.
We’d like to welcome on board those in our Somewhat Elite (TM) program who have paid at the thousand-dollar-a-year level, followed by those who have used coupons to pay less. You are welcome to bring on board two bags for placement in the baggage containers with the Elite dollar logo.
Thank you for your patience, we’ve now stowed the red carpet and parents with young children and those who are physically differently-abled are welcome to board. Thanks for flying Elite Air! FAA regulations do not allow the use of personal canes or walkers, but they are available for rental from the gate staff.
All remaining passengers are welcome to bring on board a pocketbook or laptop, and, for a slight extra charge, we will be happy to rent any remaining space in the Elite dollar logo-ed baggage containers. Oops, sorry, it appears the upgrades are all taken.
We will now be loading our Poor People’s Cabin (TM). If you’re already seated, enjoy watching these poor slobs hauling their stuff, knowing that they’ll have to haul it right back to the loading doorway so it can be gate-checked and lost.
We’ll be loading our Poor People’s Cabin based on your ticket price. Those of you who have supported Elite Air by paying twice what the person who will sit next to you paid will find a little Elite dollar logo on your boarding pass between the words Poor and People. You may board now, using either aisle. We’re happy to provide this wet wipe for you to use to try to sanitize your seat. On the back of the wet-wipe package is a complaint form; we’d appreciate it if you fill it in if any of your entertainment devices are not working or if your seat will not recline or lacks a cushion. These complaints are not thrown out; our revenue maximization analysts analyze each one in our efforts to maintain an appropriate rate of annoyance for our Poor People’s Cabin (TM) passengers.
If you’re still in the boarding area, that means you showed blatant disregard for our revenue streams by finding a low price. You may not bring on any carry-ons, and if you weigh more than 180 pounds, please be prepared for your weigh-in so we can accurately charge your card for your excess weight. Oink, oink. Kidding! Not kidding. I’m happy to report that there are still ten seats in the center back, and only fifteen of you. Yes, there are many other seats available on the plane, but they are not for your use, cheapskates. Lottery tries for a guarantee of one of the ten remaining seats are available for $20 each at our web site, TopOfThePoor.com. Or you can just battle it out with your brethren and we’ll all see who makes it on board. OK, the first of our three lucky winners is passenger Sugarman E. Sugarman, get your butt on board! #2? passenger Tigris L. #3? passenger Brown K.
Once again, thank you for choosing Elite Air. We cherish business from most of you, though you cheapskates should really up your game.
Oxygen bottles are available for $15/each and we advise purchase of at least three as the flight may be delayed. The first two are complimentary, of course, in First and Somewhat Elite class. Enjoy your DC to New York shuttle! Flight attendants, lock’em’down!
