What MLB Figures Will Never Say (A Brief Respite From Pro Baseball’s Tropes, Cliches, and Evasions)
Players
We’ve got the third or fourth best fans in all of baseball.
It is what it is. I don't know what that means exactly, but I couldn't think of a better answer.
Sometimes I give 99%.
I never doctored a baseball until I completed my internship, if you know what I mean.
My new walkup song: "Toccata and Fugue in D minor"
We couldn't have done it without the centerfield camera.
Whenever I purposely hit a batter with a pitch, it somehow ends up being unintentional. Talk about irony!
I don’t worry about things I can’t control, like getting traded or getting benched or being sent down or worrying about things I can’t control.
Your money offer is more than generous, but I can’t endorse your product. I’ve never used it, so that would be misleading.
Others
Bat boy: I work eight or nine hours a day. I wash uniforms, clean dugouts (yuch!), run all around the field shagging balls, bats, equipment and passing out positioning cards to fielders when a new pitcher comes in; work till daybreak unpacking and cleaning whenever the team returns from a road trip. And that’s not a complete list! Plus, I’m 27 years old and my job title is "Bat Boy!" Yet after all that I get paid a measly nine dollars an hour! I’m beginning to think the privilege of cleaning Mike Trout’s cleats is not enough to make it all worthwhile.
Home plate umpire: Umm…
Team Manager: We’ve dug ourselves such a big hole, I wish we could play the rest of our games none at a time.
General Manager: We're not all that excited about our first round draft pick. Drafting 30th sucks.
Team Owner: We can't go past the luxury tax threshold this year. I just bought a new superyacht.
Team owner: What's with this antitrust exemption anyway? This is 2022, not 1922!
Commissioner: We shut down spring training during collective bargaining because we were in a snit.
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