Photo by Nikoline Arns on Unsplash

What to Expect When You are Expecting to Meet Your New Grandbaby:

A Grandma’s Guide to Surviving the Extended Babymoon

By Ashley Pryor Geiger

ashcat7077@gmail.com

@ashcat7077

Thinking you will meet your grandbaby soon after they are born? Not so fast grandma! Even as you make the final payment on your daughter’s Composting Destination Wedding in Seattle, millennials have devised another rite of passage: the “Extended Babymoon” — an indefinite time of parent/baby bonding in the absence of other family or friends. If you are anything like us, you were heartbroken to learn that you won’t be visiting your daughter or new grandbaby at the hospital. But trust us, it can get worse. Everything you do or say next is of critical importance if you hope to meet your grandchild before college graduation. We have compiled these helpful tips to help speed along the process.

Before the Birth: Sign up as a volunteer Candy Striper at your local hospital.

This is the most effective way to by-pass your daughter’s “no visitors” at the hospital rule. Just be sure your striper-cart contains an abundance of flowers, champagne, cigars, and chocolates to fête the new parents. Offer these immediately upon entrance to the deluxe birthing suite. It will help too to have that bottle of Macallan 25 in hand. You know, the one you bribed the Cedars-Sinai hospital administrator with when she arranged for the extra-birth balls, mommy-baby acupressure sessions, and delivery room Glamshot stylist.

Photo by Kate Torline on Unsplash

Birth and Postpartum weeks 1–6: Master Snapchat ASAP!

Alas! Most grandmas never gain entrée to the deluxe birthing suite. Across the nation, hospitals are equipped with new, cutting edge Granny Intrusion Detection Systems (GIDS). Most of us aren’t swift-footed enough to hop over these lethal automated lasers. Realistically, the ten-second Snapchat bursts may be your only visual of your grandchild for months. Again, this all depends on your attitude. Before you post anything about the baby, be sure you compliment your daughter’s appearance. We recommend something like: “It looks like you will be wearing a bikini in no time!” — Unless of course, she had a C-section. If so, a good default is to comment on her hair and make up. Arranging for the GlamShot photographer was money well spent! Pro Tip: It is never too early to start developing catlike reflexes. Quick reflexes not only help dodge the GIDS, but will prove invaluable for optimizing your screenshots of the Snapchats.

Postpartum weeks 7–35: Get a part-time job with Molly Maids™.

Even though the celebrity doula /wet nurse is diligently applying Primrose Perineum cream to your daughter’s crotch 24/7, chances are your son in law is still revising the final chapter of his dissertation, “Meta-Irony and Post Capital Diasporic Gender Fluidity in Wallace’s Infinite Jest.” He hardly can be expected to pick up after himself or do the dishes. The house is likely a godawful mess. Although you have offered multiple times to help clean (and maybe meet your grandchild), your daughter will obstinately refuse your help. This is entirely normal. One way to gain access to the home is to join a cleaning crew. Warning: This is an advanced technique that requires exceptional self-discipline to pull off. Nine times out of ten, grandmothers can’t get past the foyer before they blurt out, “I didn’t raise you to be a slob!” Don’t do this.

Photo by loli Clement on Unsplash

Postpartum Weeks 35–52: Infiltrate Blue Apron.

Still haven’t met the grandchild? Don’t despair. Chances are your daughter’s bestie organized a very extensive MealTrain™. But let’s face it. By now, everyone is fed up with leaving meals on the front porch, “so mommy, daddy, and baby can nap undisturbed” from 8am -10pm. Now is the time to break into your nearest Blue Apron fulfillment center to slip a small nanny cam into the broasted chicken entree. As your son-in-law decided to abandon his dissertation to start med school in the fall, he should have plenty of time to assemble the meal. Don’t worry, he will be too squeamish to inspect the cavity. Again, be prepared to take quick screenshots of the video feed. Who knows, you may get two or three good shots of the grandbaby to show your friends at the next Bridge Club meeting.

Postpartum Week 52-936: Create a New Start Up: Rent-a-Grandchild

Photo by Cody McLain on Unsplash

Postpartum Week 936: Buy a Winnebago.

Wow! How time flies! Hard to believe that your grandbaby is headed off for college! Now would be the perfect time to introduce yourself. As you prepare for this event, it is essential to refrain from any bitter diatribes. (After all, look where those got you!) Try to remember that the babymoon is not something the kids are doing “against” you, but “for” the baby. The good news is that now that they are eighteen, everyone can be confident that the baby’s immune system is fully developed. The baby is unlikely to imprint on anyone besides the biological parents. Winnebago has created a signature line of granny campers. They feature fully camouflaged exteriors so you can park undetected in any bucolic tier two or three college parking lot. Just don’t forget to drop off the first tuition payment before you leave!

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Ashley Pryor Geiger

Written by

Ashley Geiger is an improvisor and humor writer from Toledo, Ohio. She studies satire and sketch writing at The Second City.

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

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