The Haven
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The Haven

What Would You Like To Have In The Internet Troll Cafe?

Some Good Old Native Language Abuse, Or Something A Little More Classy? A Full English Maybe?

Source: Giphy

Author’s Note : This is the twenty fourth installment in my 100 days, 100 blogs challenge. In case you missed it, the previous installment is all about The Truth Behind Living The Dream.

“Good Morning, Madam! Welcome to the Internet Troll Cafe. We strive to cater to your every demand and offer a wide assortment of depravity, repressed insecurities, cowardice, false bravado and of course a range of choice profanities that can make your mother blush irrespective of the language she speaks. So, how can we abuse you today?”

“I don’t know, I have been having the same troll breakfast for a week now. I am itching for some variety. Do you have any recommendations?”

“Ma’am, you are young woman with, excuse me for my impudence, fairly strong opinions. I suggest an entree of questioning your credentials, with a side of slut shaming”

“Oh no…it’s the same old fare all over again. I am looking for some novelty”

“Well Madam, you may up the ante and go for a main course of questioning your sanity, with a splatter of some allusions to your personal affairs and some heady character assassination? We will top it up with a screenshot of your degree and question the validity of the institution that dare allow someone like you on its premises.”


“We can spice it up if you want, question the veracity of your doctoral degree, call it fake. Oh, and we can throw in some mansplaining about your thesis”

“That’s all good. I mean I like your ideas, but I am planning to go for a feast. It’s a Sunday after all. Let’s try and go full banquet, maybe?”

“Oh you mean a proper four course?”

“With some wine on the side”

“Excellent Madam. Would you prefer a Native Hindi fare with a rustic touch, or would you rather prefer a full English?”

“Umm…I am feeling adventurous today. Why don’t you mix and match them a little?”

“As you please Madam. We will start with a first course of random slut shaming, with around twenty seven Hindi synonyms of slut thrown in, followed by about a dozen in English. This includes references to your mother, sister and unborn child”

“That’s a good start”

“It’s just the appetizer, Madam. I am sure the rest of the meal will exceed your expectations. So, we will keep the second course light and pseudo intellectual. This is a lightly tossed up salad of questioning your patriotism, your patrilineal lineage and mother’s character, with a generous dash of discrediting your academic standing, questioning your doctoral status and countering your well researched knowledge with randomly Googled facts, information from Wikipedia and conspiracy theories doing rounds on questionable forums.We will top this course up with a label of your choice. Would you prefer a Nazi nutjob or a Libtard?”

“Libtard would do just fine, thank you.”

“Duly noted Madam”

“Your offerings are marvelous. I am excited to hear about the next course”

“As you should be, Madam. The third course is our Chef’s special. It is an assorted platter of creative abuses, labels like nasty and/or crazy, multiple requests that you go have sex with yourself in impossible positions, and of course, because you are young woman, we are adding a special seasoning of rape threats, crude invitations to have sex, allusions to your price band with speculations about how cheap and easy you are, references to your promiscuity and abject absence of any virtue, along with references to your questionable mental state and sanity (we sometimes even throw in unfounded references to real mental health issues we found on Google like Asperger’s, to take it up a notch) and of course inquiry about your presumed prostitution and solicitation business, all of which is an obvious conclusion from the fact that you are a woman on the internet who has an opinion.”

“Sensational. And dare I say, you have an excellent eye for the detail”

“You are very kind Madam. But we are very particular about the specifics and customize every offering for our patrons. For example, if you were a man, we would have definitely thrown in several references to your ass-licking tendencies, your alleged incestuous indulgences, your supposedly tiny genitalia, speculative aspersions on the character of every female relative we can think of, several homophobic slurs, along with a generous helping of labeling you a woman (deeming it offensive), and of course questioning your masculinity in every way possible. However, since you are not a man, we will round this course off with a rich entree of posting and dissecting several private pictures from your various sojourns and private house parties acquired by creepy stalking of your profiles across social media. Through this voyeuristic breach of your privacy and raising illogical, pointless questions about the clothes you are wearing, people you are hanging with and how drunk you seem, this evidence will be used as a cherry on the top or rather as a spice in the gravy to establish your lack of character and credibility, academic or otherwise.

“Magnificent. You outdo yourself.”

“Thank you Madam. We aim to please”

“What about the dessert?”

“The dessert is a classic intellectual addition to this fare. It includes seemingly scientific, well thought out, logical opinions in 140 characters as well as longer thought pieces and Medium blogs that pretend to take a balanced view of the issue, while simultaneously indulging in the same brand of ill conceived, half baked, ill informed, pre-conceived notions driven trolling albeit in a more polished language, with some gratuitous, insincere politeness thrown in. And of course, since you are woman, your dessert will have an additional glaze of overbearing, patronizing patriarchal bullcrap masquerading as science or common sense”

“Beautiful. Exemplary. And the wine?”

“Well Madam, we have a choice of red or white for you”

“Tell me more about them”

“White is a mellow elixir of fear, repressed anger, genuine but fleeting empathy and arm chair intellectualism with a lingering after taste of false bravado, some real courage and some deep seated notes of cowardice. It pairs well with our troll fare, but it does not really have a lasting impact”

“And Red?”

“Well, Ma’am, Red, is a distilled, well aged essence of the rage that has been simmering in your heart for years. It is the finest liqueur seeped in courage, don’t give a damn attitude, true will to be a part of real change and a wisdom to know that words don’t hurt if you don’t let them, with a dash of understanding that courage and wit are the best antidotes to the idiotic cowardice that is trolling. But of course, the highlight is an extreme note of occasional violent outbursts that may compromise dignity, but it is a small quibble with what is otherwise an excellent drink. It does pair exceedingly well with a sumptuous troll fare, and tastes best after you have had enough. We highly recommend it.”

“Excellent. I will take it”

“Lovely choice, Madam.”

“I will like to complement you for your excellent service”

“Thank you Madam. We at Internet Troll Cafe are always glad to be of service, anytime, anywhere.”

Source : Giphy

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Runjhun Noopur

Runjhun Noopur

Author, Nirvana in a Corporate Suit. ( Entrepreneur. Happiness Coach. Subscribe to my newsletter at