When I Saw my Husband Make Heart Signs to Strangers I Just Snapped;
It was Supposed to be Our Special Finger Thing
I’m giving you my statement now, as honestly as I can, because you deserve to know the whole story.
It was around 6 am and my husband was still sleeping. I leaned over to give him a kiss when I spotted his phone on the nightstand. I am not usually a snoop, but I scrolled through his Facebook pages, and I couldn’t believe what I saw. He had been sexting with several women.
I didn’t find out until the police told me that sexting meant your clothes had to be off. Oops. My bad. Anyway, everyone had their clothes on, but my husband was giving out Make-a-Heart Signs like they were beads at Mardi Gras. This was our special sign. I invented it just for the two of us, and I felt betrayed.
The sign was supposed to be private, but he was making the sign to everyone: men, women, Uber drivers, produce clerks, computer programmers, even tax preparers.
And that was not the worst part. Somehow it had spread throughout the internet, and everyone was using it. I felt violated.
During breakfast he said he had to work late but when he came home, after 2 am I might add, I saw his hands. Those digits were frozen into a web, like his muscles had stopped working in mid-movement. I later learned he been hand-hearting at Le Club, an after-hours place where people hand-hearted with absolute strangers — in person — and without protection.
Weren’t my fingers enough for him?
He put his hands behind his back so I could no longer see their twisted tawdriness. He said that he still loved me, but sometimes he had so much more hand-heartedness inside than one woman could satisfy.
While I watched, powerless, my vengeful hands reached for his neck. All that time spent developing the sign must’ve strengthened my finger muscles to super-human strength, and…
So, here I am, sitting in prison.
To help pass the time, I’ve been working on a few new hand gestures like pointing your thumb upwards to mean ‘okay.’ I think it’s going to catch on. And another one, still in the early stages is holding your pinkie and thumb to your face while closing the other fingers. It means ‘call me’ but I’ve still got some work to do on that.
I won’t make either of these public, though, until I receive royalties for being the rightful creator of the Make-a-Heart Sign. I expect my first check to arrive any day.
