When the world burns I’ll wear sunglasses and drink mixers with extra ice

On my walk to my 8 a.m. class a man with hunched shoulders smoked a cigarette. His posture irked me. I felt the need to put my knuckle to his spine. I watched him inhale and exhale, shocked by what I witnessed. 7:45 a.m. and he’s smoking a cigarette. He’s going to smell like cigarettes for the rest of the day, and he doesn’t care. This early in the morning, stone cold sober, standing outside on a chilly Fort Collins morning smoking a death dart. A cancer stick. A cowboy killer.

I am no better than him. I smoke cigarettes every time I’m drunk, when I’m bored, and I even put tobacco in a bong when I want a stronger rush. I’m not trying to be holier than thou because if I didn’t have these weird social norms that give me anxiety I would also be smoking a cigarette this early in the morning. I think that’s why I became so infatuated with him.

This guy doesn’t give a fuck. I decided to cross the sidewalk, so I could pass him. When I did, I stuck my fist out involuntarily giving him a knuckles. My body knew this guy deserved it.

When I did he asked, “why did you fist bump me?”

“I’ve never seen someone smoking a cigarette this early before. Mad respect,” I said, hoping I didn’t have a sarcastic tone.

“You want one,” he replied, pulling out a pack of American Spirit blacks from his jean pocket.

American Spirit blacks. The harshest Spirit. Not only are Spirits’ the longest puff of all time, but to also do the highest nicotine is savage. I remember one night I got drunk with my skater friends and after he got a stick in poke from some woman with a mullet we stepped outside to smoke one of those. After one puff I couldn’t feel my toes, and deemed those the best cigarettes ever made. So, the next day I went to the gas station and bought some. I lit my first dart and inhaled. My lungs almost collapsed. I walked home massaging my chest and not being able to inhale for a count of five.

“You smoke blacks? What the fuck is wrong with you,” I said, chuckling at the end so he knew it was a joke.

“Oh man, well I mean I am a doomer,” he said.

He noticed how I looked at him confused and explained to me what a doomer is. It’s basically someone who thinks no matter what they do the earth will blow up and cease to exist before they die. Not something I agree with. It’s kind of like when a homeless person tries to sell you on the wonders of the streets. Not for me, but that’s cool that you’ve sold yourself on it. He could tell I didn’t believe him. So, like any religious nut he told me why without consent.

“Think about it. It’s December and it’s 60 degrees. Miami will be underwater in 20 years. You can smoke cigs forever and die at 60. I don’t think the Earth will be around when I’m 50.”

Thank goodness time was on my side. I told him I needed to leave for class, and I left him smoking his cigarette.

People in my class were wearing shorts and long sleeves. I sat through the 90 minutes of Shakespeare, and left. When I went outside I had to take off my hoodie because it was too hot. People were wearing sunglasses and vests. In December in Colorado. There was no snow which upset the skiers, no ice which upset the schadenfreude, and another fire that burned down my friend’s cabin.

“It’s so sad. That cabin has been in my family since my Great Grandpa built it. And it’s gone,” she said as we walked to her car stepping quickly past a sprinkler watering the sidewalk.

“Yeah that sucks,” I said thinking if I was a superhero that’d probably be my catchphrase with how much I’ve been using it recently. I don’t know what to say anymore when my friend says he’s scared when he sees a cop. Or to my friend who lost someone to suicide. Or my friend who had to get a third job because minimum wage isn’t enough. Or my friend who has asthma and could die if they get COVID. What should I say? Is there a magical term that can make people okay with their circumstances?

When we reached her car she asked me, “Do you think it’s bad that I drive places? I mean, you walk everywhere, and I could walk to class, but I woke up late. I know 25% of cars make up 90% of the pollution from cars, but do you think I should stop driving? I mean I am already vegan because meat production causes 18% of pollution. I don’t know, just after all these fires and everything I want to do more.”

I looked at her for a second, baffled by the question. Give up your car? If I had the money to afford a car and gas I would drive everywhere. I would drive to my neighbors house. Give up your car? But, I don’t know how to reply to anxiety ridden questions. It’s not like she’ll stop driving. And the last thing I want is when I need a ride for her to say no because of the environment. So I told her, “100 companies create 71% of the emissions or something like that. You do whatever you want to do.”

You must always add something like that just in case your source is wrong. I learned that the hard way when talking about income inequality. Something like that leaves room for being wrong, but still being in the right.

She nodded her head and asked, “Do you think we will become mothers and fathers? Or do you think having kids is wrong?”

I said, “Don’t think so much,” and gave her a high five.

I walked home passing parking garages, a dispensary, a gas station, and a homeless dude who is always asleep. I wonder if sleeping is the answer. I wonder if God is watching this man inhale whatever is in his bag and thinks, “This is the definition of a good person.” The Buddhists would think so. He causes no harm all day and chills. If people started to act like this man would the world be a better place? Then I checked my phone to look at my stocks after my friend texted me that Tesla hit an all time high.

I have a friend who works at Forever 21 and owns so many clothes some of them haven’t even got the tag pulled off. I have a friend who rolls coal in front of the abortion protestors at Planned Parenthood. Both are bad for the environment, but seeing their face during every hallway fashion show and drive by gassing it makes it worth it. Everyone has things they love to do so why shouldn’t they be allowed to do it? Who am I to say you can’t when my favorite snack, a Jack Link’s beef jerky stick is a double whammy of plastic and meat.

When I start to think about it, it’s very screwed up the limited options we are given in a Capitalist society that is supposed to stop Monopolies. But, who am I other than a consumer? During my shift at Little Caesars I asked a woman who ordered 10 dipping sauces if she wanted a bag. She said, “I have my own. I can’t believe you still give plastic bags out with everything happening in the world.” I kept my mouth shut as I handed her 10 separately plastic packaged ranches, a cardboard box, and two three meat pizzas.

When I FaceTimed my family for the week my mom said, “perfect timing I just got back from my walk.” We facetime at 6 oclock and it’s December, so my mom walking this late shouldn’t be possible because it’d be too cold. I told them about the doomer, and how it being this hot in the winter is bad, and how we are fucked.

My mom replied, “Are you kidding me I love this weather. I’ve never been able to walk outside this close to the new year. I am going to use the most of it, because I know by February I’ll be cussing Colorado out.”

Then my brother took my side. “Mom, you’ve seen the fires all around the world, and everything is melting. We might see the end of the world.”

My dad walked off screen and I could hear him open up our freezer and add ice to his cup filled with white wine. He re-entered stage left and said, “If the world ends tomorrow I will have sunglasses and enough alcohol to make it worth it,” and he laughed.

“But seriously, dad, doesn’t it scare you to think the world could blow up any second because of what we have done to it,” I asked him.

My dad took a sip of his drink and said, “when that day comes it will scare me, but if I constantly live in fear of it happening what good is that doing? I am here to make the best life for the people I care about, and dammit I think I’m doing a pretty good job.”

My mom nodded her head, and said, “Complaining about it won’t do anything.”

“What if doing everything isn’t enough?” I asked.

“I guess we will find out. Did you see the Broncos yesterday. How disappointing,” my dad said.

Then for the next hour we talked about everything else but. And it was the most pleasant conversation I’ve had in a while. Talking about what I would have done on 4th and one, or how I would have changed the rotation for the Nuggets, or allowed the QB to throw it deeper gave me the satisfaction of changing things that really have no effect on me. It was a nice feeling living in a world where I am in charge of what other people do.

I know climate change is a big deal. I know the world might end. But today the world is here, so why not enjoy it. When I learned hemp wasn’t used for paper even though it made 4x more than wood paper. When I learned hemp wasn’t used for plastic even though it is renewable, stronger, and less likely to break. When I learned hemp wasn’t used for building materials, oil, and all these other things even though it is safer and better, I also felt like a doomer. When I told my mom it’s because William Randolph Hearst owned all the newspapers owned a tree paper manufacturing site, DuPont the founder of plastics was the sole munitions provider for the USA government, Andrew Mellon the Secretary of State and a big investor in DuPont needed plastic to sell to make money, and Harry Anslinger, who is related to Andrew Mellon through his wife was appointed as the Federal Bureau of Narcotics all worked together to make sure hemp fell and their own investments skyrocketed creating one the biggest reasons for pollution, I also felt like a doomer. Then my mom said, “Okay. That’s three people who changed and fucked up our world. Just as easily three people can change it back.”

Is my mom’s idea plausible? I don’t know. But, I do like the idea that we can all do something. Rather than smoke cigarettes and complain on street corners, we can rally and really do something. We as a people are so good at getting caught up in thinking these problems are bigger than us, when in reality they were caused by people like us, and will be fixed by people like us. But, I’m not going to start the movement.

The fat buddha used to walk around and give people food out of his sack, because he realized people with a full stomach are the happiest. Maybe we’ve evolved past the point of just being happy with full stomachs that now all these other problems have occurred. Eco anxiety is a real issue and causes deaths and unhappiness. Mental Health is a 2.5 trillion dollar industry and the way we are going it will only be worth more. And who’s profiting. Oil companies from the pills. So, I invested in Exxon.

I don’t know what to do about climate change, or income inequality, or racism, or meaningless death, or anxiety, or suicide, or unequal access to healthy food, or obesity, or disease, or food insecurity, or poverty, or water scarcity, or traffic, or Broncos not making it to the playoffs, or the injuries on the Nuggets, or what color to paint the bathroom, or investing in crypto, or if our President has dementia, or if our neighbor has dementia, or if electric is the answer, or billionaires, or billionaires doing worthless things further affecting the world, or being underpaid, or inflation, or taxes, or wars, or blood diamonds, or capitalism, or communism, or people taking advantage of others, or social security, or nukes, or guns, or freedoms, or human rights, or the coral reef, or over population, or animal extinction, or animal poaching, or gender equality, or transgender equality, or hate crimes, or self defense, or the division, or education, or industry choosing money over people. I don’t know. So please stop asking.

When the world ends I hope to spend it with people who are fun. People who watch as the half full bottle shatters and say “I’m drunk.” And not those who say, “I wonder if we made that out of hemp or another renewable substance rather than plastic if we would have had more time on this earth.”

Don’t do drugs, you’ll fall in love with humanity

I sat in a waiting room for my dentist. He runs the type of place where he hangs up every kid’s first time at the dentist photo and strings them together with floss. He has a center table with games and books that I never care to play with or read because I am an adult and have a phone. While I scrolled through the best draft choices for NFL fantasy my friend told me what happened. It must have been around the same time the guy next to me saw what happened because it was just fast enough for me to garner a response, but too fast to filter out my first thought. So when he shoved his phone in my face because we were both waiting for the dentist I said, “arm the kids, I guess I don’t know what to tell you.”

He shifted in his chair and looked side to side hoping the walls would attack me for the comment. He took a deep breath and said, “When you have kids you’ll understand.”

A hygienist came out and called my name. When I walked to her I thought about the time my school went into lockdown, and my friends and I tried seeing who would say penis the loudest. Then I thought about how the market is still open. This is a great time to buy Smith and Wesson because if I’ve learned anything from these it’s that people always think they will lose their gun rights, but they never do. The hygienist slapped on her gloves telling me it’s time for x rays.

“Yes I do have a gag reflex,” I told her while purchasing my stock.

On my way home from getting a clean bill of health with the reminder to floss more so I don’t die of a heart attack I stopped to get a sandwich. My friend who sent me the news was slicing turkey when I walked in. He waved at me to walk to the back of the store. I met him by the chips when he took off his gloves and said, “Check it out man. He gave me a deal for them, too.” He lifted up a bag of shrooms with the biggest cap and stem I have ever seen, bigger than my hand. He looked deep into my soul and said, “goodbye depression.” I handed him my $25, and we made plans to meet up after he got off work.

All day, when I was supposed to be watching clips for this documentary and logging what happens, I was researching the best way to do shrooms.