Where Would We Be Without GPS? I Have No Clue

‘Mom & Dad Are Dinosaurs!’ Book Excerpt

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A drive to the store with Dad is like traveling with Magellan. Dad’s paper maps, which he can never refold correctly, are jammed in the glove compartment, side pockets, and between the seats. Having this many maps is surprising, considering the man can’t even find his way out of the backyard.

Dad’s sense of direction is so bad, he needs a map just to stroll down memory lane. Once he was staring at one of those “You Are Here” maps and he asked Mom, “How do they know that?”

Mom is now our navigator. Our car has GPS but Dad refuses to use it. He hates being told what to do. He tried GPS once and said, “Great, now I have two women telling me how to drive.”

Unlike GPS, paper maps have indecipherable signs and symbols that represent places like supermarkets, restaurants, and gas stations. They’re well beyond Mom’s comprehension. That’s why we usually end up eating questionable street food from some roadside stand.

An advantage of GPS, Google Maps, and Waze is that they are updated regularly, and show roadblocks and speed trap warnings. That doesn’t impress Dad. His maps date back to when pump jockeys wiped your windshield and checked your oil. At least Dad hasn’t gone back to celestial navigation.

Eventually, Dad will be forced to get something new: Seniors GPS. It not only tells you how to get to your destination, it tells you why you wanted to go there in the first place.

Frank Mastropolo is the author of Mom & Dad Are Dinosaurs! Humor for No-Tech Parents with High-Tech Kids and the 200 Greatest Rock Songs series.