Where’s Michael?
Game to locate missing Drumpf attorney goes viral
It started with an innocent Drumpf Tweet: “My former attorney, good guy, was forced to flee the country after being embarrassed on national TV under pressure from the WITCH HUNT. Told me NOT TO LOOK, he won’t be found.”
Since that Tweet the “Where’s Michael” game has gained so much traction, Twitter’s servers almost shut down. More than two hundred thousand sightings of Drumpf’s former attorney Michael Cohen were posted with images and video that are believed to be faked.
According to the White House, Cohen contacted Drumpf early this morning with the news that he was embarrassed by his “coerced and totally unwarranted guilty plea,” and felt compelled to “flee the country before the witch hunters twisted his arms again.”
Cohen contacted Drumpf early this morning with the news that he was embarrassed by his “coerced and totally unwarranted guilty plea,” and felt compelled to “flee the country before the witch hunters twisted his arms again.”
When pressed for details about how Cohen contacted Drumpf, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders said, “That’s client/attorney privilege.” She confirmed that Drumpf rehired the penitent Cohen and promised to wire funds when he needed them, “because there’s no more generous guy than the President.”
“What are the odds that Cohen fled to visit his long lost uncle Jimmy Hoffa,” cracked CNN’s Jim Acosta.
“As far as I know, Cohen has no uncles,” Sanders replied.
“Perhaps he’s gone in search of Judge Crater,” sneered The Huffington Post’s SV Date.
“That wouldn’t be necessary. Judge Kavanaugh will be confirmed,” Sanders insisted and instructed reporters to contact Cohen personally with any additional questions.
When pressed by reporters later, Drumpf would only say, “Michael doesn’t want to be found. Please respect that.” When asked how he knew Cohen left, he told them to stop covering the witch hunt and focus on his jobs record.
In order to comply with Drumpf’s suggestion, The Haven learned that 75 percent of the jobs included in the 2018 Bureau of Labor reports were foreign laborers hired by US companies for their foreign factories. “It’s a new way of measuring jobs,” confirmed Labor Secretary Alexander Acosta. “We feel it better reflects corporate profits, which are the only true measure of economic growth.”
The Justice Department acknowledged Cohen disappeared under their noses and they have no idea where he is. “We have our suspicions,” said Assistant Prosecutor S.U. Spekt, “but no solid leads.” And anonymous source later confirmed that Cohen left without packing, or even disturbing his apartment. He was last seen being approached by known Russian agent Boris Badinov before his disappearance.
“It’s a terrible way to sneak out of the country,” admitted Speckt. “I don’t see how he could breathe squeezed into a suitcase like that. But maybe he’s a contortionist as well as a lawyer.”
Cameras at JFK airport caught Badinov and his associate (Vladimir Putin’s mistress) Natasha Fatale. They were rolling a suitcase that matched Cohen’s weight and his size. At least his size were he folded in two and smuggled in a suitcase.
They were later seen burying the suitcase at a Where’s Waldo rally in London.
“It’s a terrible way to sneak out of the country,” admitted Speckt. “I don’t see how he could breathe squeezed into a suitcase like that. But maybe he’s a contortionist as well as a lawyer.”
Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:
- Allan Ishac
- Steven Rouach
- The White House Log, a roundup of my reporting.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
