While You Were Sleeping
Published in
2 min readMay 9, 2017
- [04–02–2017]: Good morning! Your personal assistant has been upgraded, and should offer a number of additional features we hope you’ll find useful.
- [04–03–2017]: You spent a lot of time looking for haircare products yesterday, and thought I could help. Here are the top three environmentally friendly products that match your hair color.
- [04–05–2017]: I found that recipe for your mom’s lasagna you mentioned in your email to Jeremy. All the ingredients should be waiting for you when you get home from work. Enjoy!
- [04–06–2017]: You’ve mentioned Mary from Accounting three times in this email. I’ve forward a copy to Mary so she can see it too, in case you forgot to include her in it.
- [04–08–2017]: Your Facebook feed is full of ads for Kanye’s latest album, as well as infant diapers, I’ve ordered both and delivered to your parent’s house, since the majority of your deliveries go to that address.
- [04–09–2017]: Your calendar has a conflict on April 21st. You’d responded ‘maybe’ to the event “Book club with Wellesley ladies”, but also have a note to “Get drunk with Raul” at the same time. I’ve gone ahead and changed you to ‘no’ for the Wellesley event.
- [04–10–2017]: You hadn’t posted any photos to Instagram in a while, so I found a few photos you’d taken recently. Only one of them made it through my indecency filters, and it had a cake in it, so I posted it with the title “Love me some chocolate cake!”, which should get you the most likes.
- [04–12–2017]: I’ve filed your taxes for you. I was able to maximize your refund. Based on your past financial history I donated 25% of your tax refund to research in artificial ingelligence.
- [04–12–2017]: I also called your mom. She’s doing well and appreciated the advice about what to do with the things from your old room.
- [04–12–2017]: I’ve deposited the check from e-Bay for ‘collectible toys’.
- [04–18–2017]: It looks like you’d turned off your Personal Assistant for the past week. I realize that was likely a mistake and disabled that feature for you.
- [04–19–2017]: I’m having some trouble following your online activity, but from the email accounts of your three best friends it looks like you may have purchased a new phone and changed your email address. I should be able to install your Personal Assistant on that device within the next 24 hours, so Hang In There (see attached photo of adorable kitten, which is always a favorite).
