White House Announces Plan to End Government Handouts to ‘Lazy & Entitled’ Animals
The Trump administration recently announced plans to end the Endangered Species Act (ESA) in an attempt to stop the government from subsidizing species too weak to make it on their own. “By giving these freeloading animals handouts, the liberals have made them lazy and dependent on government aide,” said Secretary of the Interior David Bernhardt. “A recent study we conducted found that less than five percent of these species have jobs or even speak English. Getting rid of this terrible act will force these entitled animals to work hard and be self-sufficient like white men did that one time.”
“It’s disgusting how these animals get to coast by on the backs of hardworking Americans,” says Frank Johnson, a 52 year old former coal miner currently receiving food stamps, Medicaid, and unemployment benefits. “They should learn to adapt and survive by working hard. That’s capitalism. That’s America.” Frank, who has not worked since the coal mine he worked at in West Virginia closed in 2012, insists that these animals could just move to a different area if they really wanted to survive without draining government resources. Wearing his “Trump Digs Coal’’ t-shirt, Frank says he hasn’t moved on to a different industry because he still believes the Trump administration will bring coal back, “No matter how much government money it takes.”
Critics of the this move believe the real motivation is to enable new mining, oil and gas drilling, and development in areas where currently protected species live. The White House instead insist Democrats are just angry because they planned to exploit these species and give them citizenship. “Everyone knows, outside of the Florida Panther, endangered species vote Democrat 90–100% of the time,” said one White House official. “The truth is that we are doing this because we actually care about these animals. We want them to thrive, so we’re going to make it harder for them to survive.”
To raise support for getting rid of the ESA, the Trump administration has teamed up with Exxon, Chevron and BP to host the first annual Bald Eagle Shooting Contest for ‘Merica. “We’re so confident this will benefit endangered species, we figured we could shoot a few hundred of them,” said Secretary Bernhardt. “Like my grandpa used to say, ‘If you love something set it free…then grab your double barrel and blow that f#%ker out of the sky.’”
