The Haven
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The Haven

Senators and Cabinet members line up to make sure Drumpf knows they “did something for him.” (Gage Skidmore)

White House Launches “Pay to Play”

You won’t be seen without the green

Drumpf set the tone for 2019 during his first staff meeting when he made it clear he was tired of “handing out freebies to losers.” Losers that include former Defense Secretary Jim Mattis, France, Germany, South America and most of the free world.

Drumpf posed in front of a Star Wars poster that depicts him as Darth Vader while he spoke to reporters and complained that too many countries receive foreign aid they don’t pay for. “Look at all these countries that get foreign aid. Billions of dollars of foreign aid each year. For free. Do they write us a check to pay us back? No. Do they subscribe to a streaming foreign aid service? No. What do they give us? A few soldiers we don’t need in stupid wars they dragged us into. What kind of payback is that? The gravy train is ending, let me tell you.”

”Look at all these countries that get foreign aid. Billions of dollars of foreign aid each year. For free. Do they write us a check to pay us back? No. Do they subscribe to a streaming foreign aid service?”

One example that most bothered Drumpf is Mexico. “Did they really think they’re getting that gorgeous border wall for free? No way. We just signed a treaty where Mexico gives the US billions of dollars in exchange for the wall.”

Drumpf displayed a poster featuring him a Darth Vadar (Inspired Images)
Drumpf displayed a poster featuring him a Darth Vadar (Inspired Images)

The room was filled with reporters desperate to raise their hands and point out the billions of dollars would come from trade, (trade that a border wall would bring to a halt when I.C.E. checks every truck coming into the country). But the armed guards circulating the aisles discouraged them.

His comments about Mexico led him to Mattis. “I like the guy, but what did he ever do for me? And I don’t mean winning a war for me, which he didn’t, and which would’ve been nice, but I mean, me, the man who gave him a job after Obama fired him and banned him from working for the rest of his life. Did he book a luxury weekend with his wife at one of my penthouse suites? Which are very reasonable at only fifty thousand a night. Did he blow a year’s wages at the craps table of one of my luxury casinos? No. He played boy scout. How can my businesses make huge profits while I’m stuck in this shit job if my employees don’t send a taste to me?“

He then compared Mattis to his replacement Patrick Shanahan. “Look at my new guy. Pat something or other. A great guy. His first day in office he presented me with seventeen defense contracts, every one of which hired the Drumpf Organization for construction. Some of those contracts don’t even involve building. Now that’s a guy who knows how the game is played. And the Democrats. Do they grease my palms the way my donors did? No. They won’t even give me a tiny, inexpensive, five billion dollar wall. A great symbolic wall raised like a middle finger to the world that says, ‘Forget the Statue of Liberty. No one wants your poor lazy immigrant asses.’”

”What did Mattis ever do for me? Did he book a luxury weekend with his wife at one of my penthouse suites? Which are very reasonable at only fifty thousand a night. Did he blow a year’s wages at the craps table of one of my luxury casinos?”

Drumpf signaled the cameras to close in on his face and announced to the world, “No more free rides. You won’t be seen without the green.”

Following the cabinet meeting, White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders announced the administration’s new “pay to play” policy. “No foreign government, no foreign official and no job applicant will be considered without first donating to the official White House coffers to repay the Drumpf Organization for their tireless contributions to the administration.”

The New York Times’ Maggie Haberman asked how the policy squared with Drumpf’s desire to prosecute Hillary Clinton for pay-to-play. “They’re nothing alike,” Sanders swore. “The Clintons forced people to donate to a private foundation before they could speak with her. The President is merely letting people know that we expect a quid pro quo. That’s perfectly legal.”

Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

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