White House Moving to Japan
Trump stuns Americans and Japanese with announcement
Americans woke to a surprise this morning when they saw the first images of the new White House location in Japan. Moved overnight at a cost to taxpayers of six trillion dollars, plus airfare, the new White House rests in the shadows of Mount Fuji, shaded by cherry trees imported from Washington, DC.
“There are too many crazies back home,” the President said at an informal press conference after meeting with South Korea’s President Moon. “I’m not going back till it’s safe.”
“There are too many crazies back home,” the President said after meeting with South Korea’s President Moon. “I’m not going back till it’s safe.”
“I can’t make America great again with crazy fuckers shooting at me.”
When asked why he didn’t trust the Secret Service to protect him, the President snapped. “Didn’t save JFK did they? They let a great guy like Reagan get hit. I’m a much bigger target because I have the biggest personality ever.”
The President also claimed the move would provide an opportunity for underemployed Japanese workers to serve in low-level positions. “We’ll pay them fifty yen an hour,” he promised. “That’s better than in America where our workers are lucky to make six bucks an hour.” (The current value of the yen is less than one one-hundredth of a dollar.)
Pundits suggest the decision may have been made on-the-fly the day before when the President tweeted his surprise that there were no spree shootings in Japan because the country had no crazy people.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders held her first press conference from the abandoned patio in what used to be the rose garden. No roses remain because the garden was unearthed to move the historic structure. When asked how the move was made so quickly she told reporters, “The President knows some guys who know some guys. No union ties. They know how to unload, er, move things cheap.”
She later clarified she wasn’t referring to the Mob, but merely “some very wise guys who know a lot about moving and transportation.”
Reporters also pressed Sanders on the cost of moving the entire administration to Japan, but she said the White House had no plans to move staff, just the building. “The President’s made it clear that he doesn’t need assistants. When you’re the smartest man in the world, you don’t need assistants, just flunkies. And we all know how cheap Asian labor is.”
Trump Industries cashes in on consumer safety
In related news, the President’s business unveiled it’s newest top-of-the-line product, Trump Armored Vests. Made with seventy-five percent cotton and twelve percent scrap metal, the new vests are being promoted as “safe and stylish with all the stopping power they offer.”
Trump Armored Vests will be made with seventy-five percent cotton and twelve percent scrap metal. The new vests are being promoted as “safe and stylish with all the stopping power they offer.”
The President appeared at a rally for “real Americans working in this shit hole called Asia” wearing a 5.11 Tactical VTAC LBE Tactical Vest, just to give supporters a taste of his product when it goes into production. He told his all-white audience: “This is the greatest thing in fashion. Light, comfortable and bullet proof. Safer than a condom.”
“This is all I’m going to wear when I have to go back to the states for a day or two,” he added. “I promise to return for good when all the crazies get their acts together and shoot at terrorists instead of good people like me.”
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Helland the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
