White House Releases Top 10 2017 Stories
Fighting Fake Press with Best News in News History
White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders postponed her usual question-and-answer session today to announce the top ten news stories of 2017. “These are the stories you all missed in your rush to smear the greatest man alive. And, yes, he told me to call him that, but he didn’t have to. It’s in my job description.”
The release follows the President’s announced Fake News Awards last week just prior to the government shut down.
Every reporter attending received a thick press packet. Each story was mounted on a glossy Presidential binder and included 8 by 10 glossy photos [1].
The top ten stories include:
22 Billion attend Presidential Inauguration
Contrary to fake media reporting, 22 billion people attended the President’s inauguration. The crowd was so thick that people passed out for lack of oxygen.
When questioned how they reached a number three times the earth’s population, Sanders replied, “We’re including people who watched on TV and streaming media, listened on the radio, those in the spiritual realm and those monitoring earth’s airwaves in other galaxies.”
Congress passes President’s entire agenda in secret
While the Democrats were napping, the Congress met in secret to pass the President’s campaign platform. They met during recess to change the rules to make a quorum “51 percent of the party in power.”
The government hasn’t made the bills public to give citizens “the joy of discovering we took away their health care and authorized the removal of DACA participants by June 2018.”
Congressional Republicans acted in secret to prevent Democrats from obstructing the legislative process. Members staged a public performance, in which they passed a Tax Bill, hoping to divert the stonewalling Democrat’s attention.
Michael Wolff caught spying on White House
The CIA arrested journalist Michael Wolff for spying on the White House in March of last year. They caught him reading confidential documents which the President gave him to show “what a magnanimous guy I am.”
A left-leaning liberal judge dismissed the charges on the flimsy excuse that “the President gave Wolff security clearance as soon as he offered a look at the documents.”
A left-leaning liberal judge dismissed the charges on the flimsy excuse that “the President gave Wolff security clearance as soon as he offered a look at the documents.”
The President since Tweeted, “Now that we know he’s a spy, dismiss anything he writes as stolen government property (TOP SECRET) or spy propaganda.” He followed with “Instructing the Justice Department to arrest anyone with a copy of this illegal book with its classified information. Burn all copies. Now!!! For the sake of national security!”
President’s Tweets more popular than Super Bowl
More people followed the President’s Tweets than watched the Super Bowl. February’s comeback win for the Patriots over the Falcons drew 113 million viewers. The President’s Tweets drew almost three billion.[2] The President Tweeted after instructing his staff to compile the numbers, “It takes a truly great man to draw three billion viewers away from the NFL’s biggest game. I am that man.”
Chain migrant murderers plague America
Police found Angela Whitbred’s body in her San Antonio, Texas, home. Her killer wrapped a chain around her throat. The White House has top-secret proof the chain came from Mexico. To stop this plague of migrant murders, the White House is calling for an immediate end to chain migration, lotteries and allowing any Mexican Moslem terrorists into the country.
Medical Specialists rate President “fittest man in history”
The White House announced that new documents supplied by the White House to another White House office prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that the President is the fittest and most sane person in America. The team of medical specialists, identified only as Doctors X, Y, and Z (for the sake of national security), all reported that the President is “120+ percent in perfect health and of a sound mind.” Dr. Y added, “this man is in such good shape I’m convinced I should give up exercise and eat two Big Macs and a chocolate shake a day.”
The team of medical specialists reported that the President is “120+ percent in perfect health and of a sound mind.” One added, “this man is in such good shape I’m convinced I should give up exercise and eat two Big Macs and a chocolate shake a day.”
The White House believes the report, completed just before Christmas, settles any questions about the President’s ability to hold office. When asked if the White House could at least supply the panel’s credentials, a memorandum responded, “such information would violate Executive Privilege, but we assure you that Caribbean Bible Junior Colleges train doctors better than Harvard or Johns Hopkins at a fraction of the cost.”
Temporary invisible wall installed until real barrier is in place
With no fanfare or falderol, the White House completed construction of the Mexico wall. The President claims Trump contractors finished ahead of schedule and under budget. They made the wall invisible because the President wants Congress to fund Mexico’s funding of the visible wall.
“If you could see it, you’d see it’s a beautiful wall,” the President told reporters. “Private clubs and Vegas style entertainment on our side; barbed wire, glass, land mines and ninety thousand volts of electricity on theirs. We should use Trump contractors on the visible wall, they did such a good job.”
“If you could see it, you’d see it’s a beautiful wall. Private clubs and Vegas style entertainment on our side; barbed wire, glass, land mines and ninety thousand volts of electricity on theirs.”
The White House insists that Mexico paid the entire cost of the invisible wall, using untraceable transactions through hidden accounts.
President avoids government shutdown and saves nation
Contrary to the nonstop reporting on Fake News (including mistakenly incorrect reporting on FOX, for which their reporters can be forgiven), the President singlehandedly saved the government, military and dreamers by vetoing the Congress’ failure to pass a funding bill and keeping the government open. The President even personally wrote checks where funding wasn’t available, saving the Childrens’ Health Insurance Program and paying soldiers.
“It cost me trillions, out of my own pocket, but I stood within the closing doors of government, and held them open for America,” he said, with pride, as well he should. A grateful nation will turn out in record numbers to reelect him in 2020.
Reporters nitpick Sanders
Before Sanders could end the press conference, the representative of the Wall Street Journal interrupted. “I have only eight stories, not ten.”
Sanders fiddled behind her podium as though she were Melissa McCarthy looking for the joystick. “See, there you go. Fake media focusing on picky little details instead of the big picture, which is how good a year the President had.”
“You promised ten stories,” said ABC News’ Cecilia Vega.
Sanders waved her copy of the press package like a hammer. “What are we? Back in second grade math? When I said ten, I meant ‘average.’”
“Eight reports out of one series of press releases averages eight,” Vega pointed out. “Do you mean ‘rounded up?’”
“You know, if the President worried about stupid things like math, he wouldn’t be the wealthiest man in the world like he is today. He would probably have gone bankrupt, which we know never happened. Eight rounds up to ten and ten rounds up to the fact that ninety percent of Americans love the President and don’t trust you. And that’s because they don’t want to feel like they’re balancing their checkbook when you insist on getting the math perfect. What I meant was ‘ballpark.’ That’s what average means, to get the number in the ballpark.”
“You mean ‘estimate?’” Vega replied.
Sanders hurled her press packet at the reporter’s head and stormed out of the room. Doctors at George Washington University Hospital say Vega is out of critical care and resting comfortably. The Justice Department claims she has no legal standing against the lawful actions of a Presidential aid.
[1]: Suitable for framing.
[2]: Based on 100 million followers reading more than 2500 Tweets in 2017. It is fake news that Twitter credits the President with only 41 million followers.
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
