White House, RNC to Investigate Chelsea Clinton
Additional allegations against Charlotte and Aidan Mezvinsky under consideration
Sources inside the Republican National Committee confirmed today that they are cooperating with the White House and Attorney General to finalize the document trail that will lead to a Grand Jury investigation against Chelsea Clinton for criminal activities during her mother’s 2016 Presidential Campaign.
“We don’t have the smoking gun,” one source said on condition of anonymity, “we have the bodies, the bullets and the poison they were dipped in. The bullets I mean, not the bodies.” The source went on to explain, “the bullets dipped in poison which were shot into the bodies. You don’t dip bodies in poison. I mean, you could, but shooting with poison bullets is so much easier.”
The source later explained the bullets, bodies and poison reference was a metaphor for hard evidence. “It’s all in this envelope,” he said, “which we’ll be making public if Robert Mueller hands down any more indictments on his “totally phony and misleading Russia investigation.”
Suspicious check proves Russian connections to Clinton family
The poison bullet in question seems to be a check written by Hillary Clinton to John Podesta during the course of a lunch they took (ironically) at Trump Towers during the primaries. The timeline claims that Podesta discovered he left his wallet at home, so Clinton asked her husband Bill to bring her checkbook to the restaurant.
The former President complied, but only after stopping to visit their daughter Chelsea first, who allegedly sent a secret message from her Russian contacts through her father to the Democratic candidate who in turn used Podesta to deliver the message back to the Russians through WikiLeaks.
A second source, who also asked to remain anonymous (but suggested that if the indictment is returned he may get his job back at the White House and not have to do the Emmys anymore) provided a few more details. After a somewhat rambling and defensive account, he showed us a draft version of the flow-chart that key officials believe proves Clinton’s guilt beyond a shadow of a doubt.
A source within the Attorney General’s Office verified the allegations. “Hillary can claim she never saw the back of the check, and her husband’s too lazy and still too popular for people to believe he looked at it. But we know for a fact that someone had to write the information on the back of the check and it could only have been Chelsea.”
“One thing that isn’t on the chart?” the Attorney General’s source added. “We know for a fact that Comey deliberately baited the President, forcing our führ,…er leader to fire him, which forced General Sessions to appoint Mueller. You can bet we’re going to include that.”
When asked why some of the key information in the final flow chart is buried in a footnote, in six point type, and in Russian, our RNC source replied: “That’s how we got it. These Russian sources don’t make it easy.”
One small glitch in the move toward impeachment is the failure to find the check in question. The Attorney General’s crack legal staff couldn’t identify Secretary Clinton’s bank account. “It doesn’t mater,” the RNC source assured us, “we know there has to be one, or our whole case collapses.”
Additional charges prepared against children and grandchildren
The Haven learned that charges won’t stop with Chelsea. A special task force has been created within the Attorney General’s office to investigate allegations against Chelsea Clinton’s two toddler children Charlotte and Aidan, and her grandchildren as well. White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders wouldn’t confirm the task force but did say, “The President is determined to lock down this criminal family before they take the nation hostage again.”
When asked what evidence they could possibly have against children not yet born, our RNC source replied, “We know the Clinton’s patterns now, so we’ll know what to look for then. This time, nothing will slip by.” The Attorney General’s office added, “Eighty years from now, when the average temperature is 170 degrees at night and only white men with incomes over two million a year can vote, we want to make sure Americans know that the Clinton children played video games on an unsecured Xbox 72.”
Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.
