White Jesus (Easter Remix)
(Or White “hay-SOOS” (Remezcla de Pascua) if you is Spanish)
A version of this was originally released on Christmas Day, because then, like now, for some reason we’ve had films on the telly about Jesus.
1st Person: It’s because it’s…
Me: I know! When we talk about Jesus we often talk about him being portrayed in films as a White man.
1st Person: I never do.
Me: Me neither. Although, in slight defence of these films…
1st Person: Oh dear, “in slight defence.” Someone’s conforming to white supremacist social norms.
Me: Mmm. As I was saying, in slight defence of these films, the Jesus story is set in the Middle East, and in the films I’ve seen Jesus is usually dark enough to be from that region. It’s the Middle East, not Africa, so Jesus wouldn’t be say, Black like me.
1st Person: True, according to what you say Jesus wouldn’t be Black.
Me: Mmm, slightly racist.
1st Person: Er, Black like you.
Me: You’ve made it worse. Anyway, If he were, like, say Scottish White….
1st Person: Scottish White?
Me: Yes, Scottish White:
1st Person: Got you.
Me: If he were portrayed as being white White, then that would be daft. I’ve not seen a blond Jesus, which would be pushing it.
1st Person: Not seen a blond Jesus?
Me: Yep, that’s pushing it.
1st Person: What about the blue eyes? Blue eyes, in that region. Really?
Me: Well, the following dramatisation might explain that.
1st Judean: What’s up?
2nd Judean: Dude says he’s the Son of God.
1st Judean: How? Yeah, ok, he’s a handsome bloke, but he don’t look that much different to the rest of us.
3rd Judean: ….He does seem to have a bit of a fixation with large bolders.
1st Judean: So, he might be an amateur geologist, big deal.
2nd Judean: Dude. Check out his eyes. They’re blue!
1st Judean: Messiah!
Me: Besides, some Jews have blue eyes.
1st Person: Wait! Jesus was Jewish?!?
Me: Great. Now I have to start all over again.
Epilogue
1st Person: Do you like an Easter egg hunt?
Me: No need to be rude.
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