Why Bully Me Online When You Can Tech Shame Me to my Face?
I was having breakfast with my friend Jason when the topic turned to social media apps. I mentioned how time consuming it was for me, a standup comedian, to constantly post on Instagram, LinkedIn, YouTube, Twitter and TikTok, as I struggle to gain those all-important likes and followers.
“What about OnlyFans?” he asked.
“Huh?” I mumbled between bites of granola.
“You’ve NEVER heard of OnlyFans?” he asked, although he already knew my answer. He then provided details of the app, which allows content creators to earn money from subscribers willing to pay. A tableside Google search taught me the app exploded in popularity during the pandemic, as sex workers and adult film stars posted naughty images and videos, and watched the profits roll in.
“It’s like Instagram for porn,” Jason said. “I can’t BELIEVE you haven’t heard of it.”
“Here’s a better question,” I responded. “Why have you heard OF it?”
Once again, I had been “tech shamed.” Typically, it occurs when I try to converse verbally with an individual half my age but that’s not always the case. Tech shamers come in all shapes, sizes, ages and annoyance levels.
Save your NFT convos for someone who cares
For the record, I have no idea what a non-fungible token is and am perplexed that whoever created it chose “fungible” as a descriptor. I recently purchased a small amount of bitcoin but did so only after reading Starbucks accepts it as a form of payment. Someday, when I’m feeling particularly sinister, I plan to enter a crowded Starbucks and then, while a dozen or more caffeine-addicted patrons wait impatiently in line behind me, tell the newly hired barista that I will be paying for my caramel macchiato with crypto.
The only thing I know about the metaverse is it involves a virtual reality headset and Mark Zuckerberg is currently wearing it. Also, if pressed, I will admit to not really knowing what a virtual reality headset is. I think they are on sale at Best Buy.
My refusal to always be on the cutting edge of technology extends beyond what is on my phone or within my line of vision. My golf clubs are 10 years old, and my golf buddies mock me mercilessly because my driver head does not contain any screws which, if adjusted, allegedly cause the ball to fly higher, lower, straighter and farther. Bowing to pressure, I borrowed such a club and, after twisting the screws to every conceivable position, realized I am still capable of hitting a house with a tee shot.
It’s All Because of Covid
Blame part of tech shaming on the pandemic. With nothing to entertain ourselves other than technology for two years, it’s only natural that we would want the latest, greatest, fastest and most convenient everything. Our food choices were determined not by what we had a taste for, but whether UberEats could deliver them. When our local friends and relatives celebrated birthdays, we could have donned masks, stood 6 feet apart and wished them many more in person. Instead, we opted for Zoom and made sure we had the latest version installed in hopes it would make everyone’s face less blotchy.
I resisted celebrating my daughter’s 18th birthday in that manner. We organized a “drive by” celebration featuring dozens of friends who wished her happy birthday from their cars. It was cold, rainy and miserable that day, but she smiled and waved while holding an umbrella, exhibiting emotions that could not be replicated on a Zoom call.
Which is why I would like to see tech shaming go the way of the VCR, even though I still have one of those in my house. How else will my wife and I watch our 30-year-old wedding video on our anniversary? When I offer to write a check instead of Venmo-ing (is that even a word?) money to your account, please refrain from rolling your eyes. You are still getting paid. When I follow you on Instagram via my iPhone 7, do not laugh at me. You still gained a new follower. Live your life your way and I will live mine outdated.
If you disagree, send me a letter. And don’t forget a stamp.
You know what that is, don’t you?
Greg Schwem is a business humorist, motivational corporate comedian, corporate emcee, nationally syndicated humor columnist for Tribune Content Agency and creator/host of the streaming TV series, “A Comedian Crashes Your Pad.
