Why Doesn’t Jesus Have an Emoji?
For the umpteenth straight year, I have failed to enact on my longstanding goal to create a very specific piece of technology that will be associated with me long after I depart this earth.
An emoji.
Oh, did you think those cute characters allowing you to convey feelings and actions ranging from crying to puking just randomly increased every time you updated your phone’s software? No, there actually exists the Unicode Consortium, a nonprofit organization tasked with providing standards for text on the internet. Upon first hearing that, I’d say the consortium is doing a poor job, as I have received texts (some with attached photos) that appear to violate anything, rather, EVERYTHING, resembling standards.
The consortium’s responsibilities include deciding which emojis appear in texting apps and, if you are my college-aged daughter, in Venmo mobile payment captions. A recent transaction, “I paid Jessica $20,” was accompanied by a fish emoji, which could symbolize takeout sushi or admission to an aquarium. Either way, I worry about the future state of our financial system, as emojis are the means by which tomorrow’s leaders balance their checking accounts.
Anyone can submit an emoji for consideration via Unicode.org, and the consortium recently approved 58 new ones. With variants, including skin tone modifiers and hair color, texters will soon have an additional 230 choices to scroll through while trying to find the beer mug emoji, when it would have been much less cumbersome to simply type, “Meet at the bar tonight?”
Among the new entries: An otter (useless to anyone other than an oceanographer), a flamingo (useless to anyone), a drop of blood and an adhesive bandage. If you are planning to use the latter two in a text, you should most likely be doing something other than texting. Seeking medical help, perhaps? Or covering up the heinous crime you just committed? On that note, an axe and a razor also made the cut this year.
The blood drop has small and large variants and could be used, according to the consortium, to symbolize a blood donation, medicine or menstruation. Ladies, if you’re going to announce your time of the month with an emoji, please consider adding “TMI,” as the “too much information” emoji does not yet exist.
I do see myself using the newly approved skunk, garlic and onion emojis, as all three will come in handy when I am reminding my younger daughter, via text, to clean her room. I see no purpose for the auto rickshaw, seeing that Uber and Lyft drivers are usually hovering near me at all times and can provide transportation faster than a guy pedaling a bike strapped to a bench. The swim brief emoji will also not be making an appearance in my texts, as it resembles a Speedo. And I’m 56 years old. ’Nuff said.
As I ponder an emoji to create, I occasionally glance at the Unicode website, which includes a list of every emoji ever submitted and its status. Among the suggestions the Emoji Subcommittee (a real thing) declined: climate change, a condom, frowning poo and tumbleweeds.
Also, Jesus.
The exclusion of the Son of our Lord baffles me, as I feel there are numerous uses for a Jesus emoji within a text. Those could include “We’re in church studying the word of (Jesus emoji)” or “(Jesus emoji) why won’t my car start?”
I vow to submit “dad with no money.” It will feature a slightly graying man, wearing glasses, with two hands at his waist. The man’s pockets are pulled inside out, signifying that, yes, they are empty. For those still baffled, $ signs will appear over the empty pockets. This emoji will frequently appear in texts with my daughters, as most of our online conversations concern money they don’t have but would love to borrow from me. I also see a line of “dad with no money” T-shirts in my future. And maybe Speedos.
The emoji’s variant will be “husband with no money.” The only difference? The man would be gritting his teeth. I would reply with this emoji whenever my wife texted that she was out shopping.
And, if the consortium someday reverses one of its decisions, I’ll add, “Help me (Jesus emoji).”
Greg Schwem is a business humorist, motivational corporate comedian, corporate emcee, nationally syndicated humor columnist for Tribune Content Agency and creator of the web series, “A Comedian Crashes Your Pad.”
