Why I Can’t Marry a Royal

Because it’s inevitable that a member of the royal family will propose to me, I’ve given it a lot of thought and have determined I will regretfully have to turn down the proposal for the following reasons:

1. Wearing pantyhose every damn day would give me a nervous breakdown.

2. I do not eat fast enough to consume enough calories before the 92-year-old queen stops eating and everyone else to stop as well.

3. My taste in baby names tends to be a bit more exotic than the prescribed list of prior monarchs.

4. I would be really furious if my husband’s response to most things was “Let me check with Granny.”

5. I know from experience I cannot squeeze a baby out and then five hours later, stand on some stairs in heels and dress and manage to not sob hysterically while completely fugly, but instead smile and wave genteelly to the crowd.

6. If the press counted how many times I’ve recycled a dress, there would be a GoFundMe started to help me.

7. Honestly, I’m just still too angry at all of them about Diana.

8. I’ll take a minivan over a horse and carriage any day, if only for the cupholders.

9. I NEED to vacation in places beyond the Commonwealth.

10. I’ll never get the duchess slant right.

11. I have nine pairs of yoga pants I need to wear on a regular basis.

12. I believe opening gifts on Christmas Eve is a crime.

13. Living on the family estate gives me hives.

14. I cannot remember my own birth date let alone some swanky title that goes before my name.

15. If the Queen lent me a tiara it is certain I would somehow break it or lose a stone from it.

16. The offspring I produce routinely embarrass me in public, instead of making cute little waves.

17. Hats give me a headache.

18. I can never remember which wives Henry VIII beheaded or annulled.

19. I am pretty sure if I curtsied my boobs would fall out.

20. I do not want to live in a house (or several houses) owned by my in-laws.

21. I tend to blurt out embarrassing things, laugh too loudly and spill food on myself at large social gatherings.

22. If I carried a clutch every day it is certain I would drop it and my used tissues, chapstick, emergency maxi pad, and a few loose M&Ms would fall out for all to see.

23. My idea of a vacation is not driving 3 hours from one cold and rainy locale to another, no matter how big the castle.

24. I’m not giving up my social media. Ever.