Why I’m a city gal
Or rather, why I’m NOT a country girl
I’m just going to warn you so you’re prepared.
This post doesn’t actually talk about city life. Rather, it talks about rural/country life — and why I, personally, can’t bear the thought of permanently residing in the countryside.
It will also most likely offend any readers who live in a rural village or town with a meager population — so please proceed with an open mind and know that (most of the time) I’m just taking the piss.
Maybe one day when I’m retired I might relocate to a cottage in a small quaint village with a name that sounds like something out of a Beatrix Potter book, but until then, I’m 1000000% a city gal. And here’s why.
It smells like cow turds
If you’re used to living in a city suburb and you venture into barren lands, there’s a key indicator that you’ve entered rural territory — and that’s the waft of cow dung or pig crap smacking you in the face without warning. Don’t get me wrong, I love farm animals and especially pigs. But when that stench hits, you know you’re not in Kansas anymore… or actually, maybe you are, because Kansas is mostly farmland.
Too many Conservatives
One thing small towns and villages have in common is their inhabitants are often:
- disturbingly white
- middle-class
- on the right of the political spectrum
The main reason Tories win UK elections is because of the sheer volume of people voting for them who live in these shitty little hamlets and have been stuck in their own bubble for decades — I know US residents can also relate to this with many rural states voting for Trump in both the 2016 and 2020 elections.
This brings me to my next point.
There's more racists
Apparently it is common for people of ethnic minorities who have moved from the city to the countryside to experience more prejudice than previously. I’m not saying all rural dwellers are racist as that’s not true — I’m just saying you are much more likely to catch a glimpse of Beatrice, who’s never left the countryside, moving her expensive porcelain statuettes from her lawn in a panic when she finds out there’s a new postman who’s a couple of shades darker than everyone else around. Not cool, Beatrice, not cool.
You have to learn to drive
I’d be screwed if I lived in the countryside and actually wanted to go anywhere — I can’t drive, and I take full advantage of the fact my home city is rated the best in the UK for its public transport. I actually love travelling on buses when they’re not busy. But the buses in the countryside aren’t 100% reliable and they’re infrequent. If you want to get from A to B in the rural world, you have to drive, and as my first driving instructor told me I was “the worst student she’d ever had”, my confidence in that department is zero.
There’s nobody on Tinder
Good luck finding a shag or a date within a 10-mile radius if you live in the countryside — and even if some people do appear on the Tinder radar, you can’t afford to be fussy. You’re simply not going to find a gorgeous 6-foot dark-haired vegetarian dreamboat who leads humanitarian activist groups and manages a podcast on independent films in the countryside (trust me, I tried).
Everyone knows everyone
If I can live in a city with a population of 330,000 people and I can expect to bump into someone I know on a night out, or meet someone who knows someone I know, then what the hell would it be like living in a town of 10,000 or less? Everyone will know everyone’s business and will know the exact second Barry from down the road had his most recent bowel movement. I feel sorry for any foetuses that are due to be born in tiny towns because the entirety of the town likely already knows their favourite podcast.
You can’t party with sheep
Sure, every small town/village has a pub or bar or two. And that can be fun. But if you’re looking for a place that stays open after midnight and you want to hear something different other than the same karaoke culprits belting out the same songs every weekend like they’ve been recruited for a noise torture operation, you’re gonna have a bad time.
The spiciest night out you’re gonna get is a party in the field with the local sheep. And even then, you’ll probably get the farmer chasing you off the land with their pitchfork.
If you’re a city person too - tell me why in the comments!
If you’re a country person, you probably don’t want to talk to me anymore. I understand.
