Why I’m no asshole

And what I think of people who drink soy lattes

I’m not an asshole. So, imagine my surprise when, the other day, a man hung out of his car window to scream that I was a “FUCKING ASSHOLE!”

Why did he shout this at me? I’ve no idea. At the time, I was just being a mom, out with my three children. It was a wholesome family sight, the children on their bikes, me, hunched over, exhausted, dead behind the eyes and regretting my life’s choices when the insult was flung at me like a flying turd.

Pack of fucking assholes on a bench (Unsplash)

Now, if he’d have shouted it to my children I would have understood. They’re the biggest assholes of all. The seven-year-old in particular would graduate from asshole college with an honours degree, but no, it was meant for me. However, the man was wrong, I’m not a fucking asshole and here are seven reasons why:

1. When I hear people order soy lattes I don’t call them cunts.
2. If someone stands on my foot, instead of shouting at them, I whisper “Fuck you”.
3. When I see a dog in a restaurant, instead of telling the owner to leave with their four-legged-smelly fucker, I make a dick wanking gesture at the dog.
4. When people complain on text about being tired or sick, I respond with smiley faces instead of calling them rancid whores.
5. If I think someone on Facebook has an ugly child, I post the vomit emoji instead of writing “What an absolute gargoyle.”
6. I smile on the outside, even when having murderous thoughts on the inside.
7. If I see someone running for a lift that I’m in, I push the button to close the doors so they can get their own one and enjoy some ‘me’ time.

So the next time a man hangs out his window to call me a fucking asshole, I’ll tell him that no, he’s wrong, and go on my merry way home to key the neighbour’s car.