Truth In Satire

Why Trump’s Hair Is The Best Measure Of His Electability

If his follicles fully cooperate, he may be able to brush Biden back in 2024

Allan Ishac
The Haven
Published in
3 min readSep 22, 2023

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Politician Donald Trump will need better hair control than this if he expects to handle the pressures of the 2024 presidential campaign
He’ll need better coif control than this if he expects to handle the pressures of a presidential campaign. (Photo Credit: Reuters)

Donald Trump’s hair could be his Samson-like strength or his downfall during the 2024 presidential race.

A preoccupation with tresses is something I share with the Republican hair-apparent. I like to think that my substantial mane looks less like a lacquered squirrel pelt than his, but our concern with preventing our carefully sculpted coifs from leaping off our heads and running away is similar.

When he steps onstage to give a speech, it’s always his hair that catches my eye first. Every strand is so impeccably in place — and always in exactly the same place — that I’d swear it was a meticulously-crafted, corn silk weave. And have you noticed that the length of his locks never changes? He must get his hair trimmed several times a day to prevent any inter-day growth from violating his preferred tress tolerances.

2024 presidential candidate Donald Trump’s hair requires hours of fastidious maintenance to get it looking just the way he loves his hairstyle.
It can take hours of fastidious maintenance to get that perfect side strand sweep. (Photo Credit: NY Post via Getty Images)

Here’s something else that I know about The Donald, not just because we’re almost twins (we share the same birth date, Flag Day, June 14th), but because we’re hair clones. He’s nervous, really nervous. He’s also self-conscious, insecure, and easily flustered.

Here’s why I’m sure of this. On a good hair day, I feel pretty terrific about myself. I’m basically invincible. But let a big gust of wind blow through my substantial strands and my confidence fades like a middle-aged man’s defeated hairline. It’s no accident that virtually every one of Trump’s campaign events is held indoors in a climate-controlled environment.

Hint to the rest of the Republican field — hide mirrors on the campaign trail, watch Trump panic, then drop out

Trump might be fooling a lot of people with his bluster, bravado and shameless banana brag, but he can’t fool me. I know that his political paranoia stems from a belief that every follicle on his head is a potential saboteur.

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Allan Ishac
The Haven

Bestselling Author. Satirist, Humor Writer at MuddyUm and The Haven. Former advertising creative director. Visit me at allanishac.com.