Truth In Satire

Why Trump’s Hair Is The Best Measure Of His Electability

If his follicles fully cooperate, he may be able to brush Biden back in 2024

He’ll need better coif control than this if he expects to handle the pressures of a presidential campaign. (Photo Credit: Reuters)

Donald Trump’s hair could be his Samson-like strength or his downfall during the 2024 presidential race.

A preoccupation with tresses is something I share with the Republican hair-apparent. I like to think that my substantial mane looks less like a lacquered squirrel pelt than his, but our concern with preventing our carefully sculpted coifs from leaping off our heads and running away is similar.

When he steps onstage to give a speech, it’s always his hair that catches my eye first. Every strand is so impeccably in place — and always in exactly the same place — that I’d swear it was a meticulously-crafted, corn silk weave. And have you noticed that the length of his locks never changes? He must get his hair trimmed several times a day to prevent any inter-day growth from violating his preferred tress tolerances.

It can take hours of fastidious maintenance to get that perfect side strand sweep. (Photo Credit: NY Post via Getty Images)

Here’s something else that I know about The Donald, not just because we’re almost twins (we share the same birth date…