Why You Shouldn’t Cut Your Bangs on a Bad-Hair Day
I grabbed a pair of scizzors and attacked my hair, chopping, chopping, chopping
What made me do it? I’m blaming the boat ride.
Nothing else would have given me the wild, irresistible, inexplicable urge to stand in front of a mirror and lop off my bangs. Especially when I had not had a drink.
“Do you want to go on a boat ride?” My husband said one hour prior to my Edward Scissorhands experience.
We were going out to dinner but he still had on his swim trunks and T shirt and his hair was scruffy because he had just woken up from a nap.
I, on the other hand, had showered and washed my hair. I was ready for dinner.
But being a good sport, I said, Sure, let’s go on the boat.
When we got back, my just-washed hair was wind-whipped into an uncontrollable mass that laid flat as a Pyrex plate on top but frizzed crazily at the bottom. Hat head plus tangled tufts.
While my husband showered and took 5 minutes to get dressed, I looked in the mirror and screamed, “You can’t go to dinner like this!”
I was like a woman possessed. I grabbed a pair of scissors and attacked my hair, chopping, chopping, chopping until my bangs were a crooked fringe angling from brow to scalp.
Why did I do it?
A little on the left. Oops! Too short. I need to cut some more off the right. Now one strand on the left is hanging down longer. Even it up. Snip! Got to be bold and finish what I started! Cut, whack, chop.
By the time my husband finished his shower, I greeted him with bangs that zigzagged across my forehead like a jagged shoreline.
He didn’t say anything.
I’ve never had great hair, although it’s passable when I work with it enough and don’t ride boats before going out to dinner. One time I ordered fake bangs off the internet. Every day for a week I hurried to the mailbox to see if they were there.
When they finally arrived, I couldn’t wait to try them because they appeared so natural on the girl in the instructional YouTube video. She took three seconds to clip the bangs to her hair, and although she looked good to start with, she was positively gorgeous with the bangs.
I had read all the rave reviews before ordering. Here’s a small sample:
These bangs saved my life! I’ve never had so many guys hit on me before!
Every time I have a bad hair day, I take a few seconds to clip on my new bangs and nobody knows it’s not my real hair!
Everybody at work says I’ve never looked better. They say, like, what have you done to yourself?
There was only one negative review: It looks like I’m wearing a small, furry animal on my head. Don’t buy them!
But that was just one review, so I ignored it. How could all those other people be wrong? There’s always one negative person in the bunch.
When I pulled my new bangs from the box, they were unnaturally glossy, like a beaver’s pelt, but the YouTube girl had already warned about his. She said, “Dust your bangs with a little powder or dry shampoo to take away the shine and they’ll look natural!”
I fished a bottle of dry shampoo from a bathroom drawer and sprayed my bangs and the shine was gone. Just like she said!
The next problem was getting them to clip to my hair. Why did they bunch up in the middle? Or was it my imagination? I didn’t remember them bunching up on the YouTube girl. But there seemed to be a bump, sort of a conehead look, no matter how much I tried to flatten them out.
I solved the problem with a headband, which hid the lump. Then I did one final check to make sure the bangs were clipped in securely before sauntering into the kitchen where my husband was scrounging around for dinner.
He might decide I looked unusually good without being able to figure out why, or he might not notice anything at all, which would be good enough for me.
“Why are you wearing a toupee?” He said.
I never wore the bangs again.
But I wonder if I still have them. They would probably look better than my real bangs look now, since that boat ride sent me over the edge into a temporary fit of insanity that prompted me to cut my own hair, which I haven’t done in years, or maybe decades, because every time I do it ends up in disaster.
If my hair doesn’t look better when I wake up tomorrow, I’ll head to the salon and see if its fixable.