Wisconsin Forklift Driver Glad He Can Finally Go Home and ‘Not Stop’ After 5 Beers
Platteville. 32-year-old alcoholic Craig Wall was profoundly delighted last Friday when he was finally able to leave his pointless and exhausting factory job as a Forklift Driver at Pine Bark Industries and ‘not stop’ consuming can after can of the cheap beer he usually consumes at a local bar before he sits on his couch at home and spends a few miserable moments alone contemplating the fact that he will probably die unloved in old age after years of writhing in severe and profoundly horrible agony.
After acknowledging that his ‘cut off’ point is usually 5 beers on Sundays through Thursdays, Craig confessed to being ‘ecstatically happy’ that he would once again have the opportunity to let his oddly functional alcoholism out of the cage so that it could reach an entirely new level with the aid of whiskey, Irish car bombs, several shots of Tequila, a few delicate sips of Strawberry-flavored wine, and a lethal amount of Everclear.
“People just don’t understand the unfathomable agony I go through during the week when I have to stop after only five beers,” Wall claimed, adding that it’s extraordinarily difficult to contain his ultimate desire to blank out, drool all over himself, talk to the Moon for hours on end, throw up all over his cheaply purchased Walmart T-Shirt, completely lose his ability to function both physically and cognitively, and then incoherently babble “I’m from Wisconsin!” before waking up in someone else’s back yard with no clothes on.
“Listen! I’m not really allowed to ‘be myself’ on Sunday through Thursday nights after having only 5, so I need to successfully utilize my free time in order to reach that special place where I can just relax and forget about the physical and mental toil I endure on a regular basis,” Craig stated.
“Fuck This Shit!” he was also reportedly heard saying after filling out his timecard and leaving the building.
Relieved beyond belief that his existential worries about suffering horribly in old age and dying a pathetic and hopeless death after years of meaningless toil would soon be replaced with the liquid dreams that only a flask of Crown Royal can provide, Craig boldly left the building and entered a blissful 48-hour period during which he became heavily intoxicated and repeatedly screamed the words, “I DON’T WORK FOR THE MAN! I WORK FOR MYSELF!” before collapsing through his next-door neighbor’s screen door, peeing all over her kitchen sink, and landing face-first on her living room floor.
