The Haven
Published in

The Haven

Photographer’s flash reveals POTUS and his masked coven during their midnight witch’s mass. They were charged with animal cruelty. (Gage Skidmore)

Witch Hunt Proves Real

President and coven members discovered in Rose Garden

For more than a year the President has accused Special Investigator Robert Mueller of conducting a “witch hunt.” Last night, Mueller confirmed POTUS’s accusations when a team of FBI operatives arrested 45 and members of his coven for conducting a Satanic ritual in the Rose Garden.

A White House guard was alerted to a disturbance shortly after midnight. The White House aide, who delivered documents for the President to ignore during a morning meeting, claimed she heard “strange chanting and goats bleeting,” and saw “flickering candles” outside the Oval Office window.

A White House aide claimed she heard “strange chanting and goats bleeting,” and saw “flickering candles” outside the Oval Office window.

The guard called the FBI when he stumbled onto the coven sacrificing a baby goat on a stone altar. Mueller’s team responded within minutes and arrested the coven for trespassing. The President reportedly pulled off his hood and told them, “I can’t trespass on my own personal property.”

“At first I thought he was wearing a mask like the others,” one of the arresting agents told the New York Times. “But when he pulled his hood down, I realized that was his face. Goat horns and all.” Since the figure in the garden resembled the President, but only slightly, the agents loaded everyone into a van for transport to FBI quarters.

“At first I thought (the President) was wearing a mask like the others. But when he pulled his hood down, I realized that was his face. Goat horns and all.”

“I pardon myself and everyone here,” the figure said, but the agents laughed. It was only when the van arrived at the FBI that the President had reverted to his more familiar form. When he tried to pardon himself again, the agents told him to take the argument up with a judge.

The other participants were revealed to be former National Security Advisor Mike Flynn, former campaign advisor Paul Manafort, former POTUS lawyer Michael Cohen as well as campaign aides Richard Gates and George Papadopoulos. Other coven members included Martha Stewart, Dinesh D’Souza and Sheriff Joe Arpaio (who allegedly supplied the livestock).

The President and other participants were charged with animal cruelty for the slaughter of six live goats and a dozen chicken. They released them on other charges after the President led his cohorts in the chant, “Freedom of Religion.”

“Those goats sacrificed their lives WILLINGLY for a HIGHER CAUSE,” POTUS Tweeted after his return to the White House. “Jews did it all the time and nobody gets on their case.”

“Those goats sacrificed their lives WILLINGLY for a HIGHER CAUSE. Jews did it all the time and nobody gets on their case.”

Mueller’s office refuses to confirm or deny whether or not they will dig deeper into the activities of the President and his coven, except to say, “The witch hunt narrative was theirs. Now we know why.”

Focus on the Family’s James Dobson affirmed that the Christian Right still has full faith in the President. “This only proves the President’s spirituality, contrary to the claims of unbelievers. Saul prayed to the dead, and God made him King. If both God and Satan support the Conservative cause then people need to get on board.”

Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.

--

--

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store