Woman Ruins Vegan Chili Potluck
Local church event leads to confrontation and tears
A devout ketogenic churchgoer recently showed up at the chili cook-off and potluck with a loaf of gluten-free bread, only to discover that she had mislabeled it “vegan.” Mrs. L. G. Sandusky, originally of Possum Grape, Arkansas, attended the event without malice but it turned into a social nightmare.
According to reports, she only wanted some chili and a glass of sweet tea.
“I didn’t realize eggs aren’t vegan,” she told Medium.
Mrs. Sandusky has only been on the ketogenic path for seven months, but she is a fervent follower of online ketogenic divas and wizards, who told her that carbs were ruining her life.
Since converting, she has lost 25 stubborn pounds and for the first time ever, doesn’t wake up hungry or moody.
According to Mr. Sandusky, who also converted once he saw his wife’s cellulitis of 25 years take the A-train, their lives have never been better.
“She and I don’t even fight about money anymore, right, honey?”
The fracas over the potluck bread began when the Sanduskys baked a loaf of their famous gluten-free bread. The ingredients are top secret, but they divulged that the key for gluten replacement is ground chia seeds and psyllium powder.
“It makes you regular as the day is long,” said Mr. Sandusky.
On the appointed day, a Saturday, Mrs. Sandusky transported the small loaf of bread to the church, bringing a placard describing her dish — as per the requirements of all church potlucks.
She neatly penned: Gluten-Free and Vegan: ingredients include coconut flour and chia seed.
As she dished herself up a generous portion of meaty low-carb chili, a nagging thought entered her mind.
“It was only then I realized I’d used an egg-wash on the crust. Otherwise, it doesn’t get that golden brown color,” she told Medium. “I was kicking myself.”
“Of course I sat down like nothing was amiss,” she continued. “Then I saw Jane Kaminisky, who I know for a fact is a strict vegan, grabbing a slice of my bread. I honestly didn’t know what to do at that point.”
The chili cook off and contest continued as Mrs. Sandusky stewed over how to proceed. She watched Kaminsky eating the bread and, as no deleterious effects ensued, she decided to forget about it and enjoy the party.
Meanwhile, Mr. Sandusky was proudly listing the ingredients of the bread — that morning, he’d helped his wife with the recipe — to Jedidiah McCrofterson, who had remarked on how delicious it was.
“I guess I really put my foot in it,” said Sandusky. “You know, I’m an engineer and very detail oriented, so I couldn’t leave out any ingredients.”
Sandusky listed the egg wash as the final touch. McCrofterson, in a wicked twist of fate, sat down right next to the Kaminskys.
At approximately 45 minutes into the potluck and chili cook-off, Jane Kaminsky confronted Mrs. Sandusky, who immediately confessed that she had brushed the loaf with about 1/4 of an egg from a chicken, probably not free-range, even though she could have used Eggbeaters.
“Oh for goodness sake!” said Jane.
Mrs. Sandusky felt bad about her mistake, but she also felt Jane was acting like a whiny little bitch.
“I mean, I don’t get why these vegans are so self-righteous about their diet, anyway,” she said. “They need to climb off their high-horse. I don’t mean that ironically. Do they even ride horses? Haven’t they ever read The Omnivore’s Dilemma, by Michael Pollan? I mean, everyone’s read that book.”
Mr. Sandusky apologized to Jane and his wife.
Several parishioners told this reporter they weren’t surprised. It was only a matter of time before keto and vegan doctrine would clash.
“That’s what you get,” said an anonymous Unitarian, “when you try to have a church full of vegans and lapsed Catholics and atheists, and keto…all at the same time.”
The pastor, reverend Blarney Gillicut, was unavailable for comment.
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