
Woodward Documents White House Chaos
Drumpf tweets nuclear launch codes to prove he’s in command
Revelations about Bob Woodward’s new book Fear created a media stir, not the least because no one was surprised. Even by the most outrageous incidents. “It’s terrible,” South Carolina Senator Lindsey Graham told reporters. “I spent my night over the toilet throwing up and I’ve heard it all many times before. Which is all the more reason we need to give Drumpf our complete, one hundred percent support.”
This weekend publishers provided even more sneak peaks, and the new allegations enraged Drumpf even more than Obama’s calling him, “a gutless white redneck.”[1] He was so enraged that he Tweeted the nuclear launch codes.
“Bob DEADWOODWARD accused me, the most TIGHTLIPPED President in the history of Presidents, of GIVING AWAY our secrets. SO WRONG. For instance, I never told ANYONE the nuclear launch codes S27-X5V-82675-VL22. That’s why I’M IN COMMAND.”
The new revelations included additional details on the story Drumpf’s personal attorney told him he would wear an orange jumpsuit if he sat down with Mueller. Sources told Woodward that Drumpf continued to insist he could take down Mueller and “his deep state pussies.” The more time that passed after Dowd’s warning, the more he convinced himself he could “outwit Mueller, and outwit the fools on the hill that support him. I bet you I could beat the best lie detector ever built.”
“Bob DEADWOODWARD accused me, the most TIGHTLIPPED President in the history of Presidents, of GIVING AWAY our secrets. SO WRONG. For instance, I never told ANYONE the nuclear launch codes S27-X5V-82675-VL22.”

Melania changed his mind when she opened a fashion app on her iPhone that can superimpose a face from a photo onto clothing. The app showed what Drumpf would look like in an orange jumpsuit, but he remained unconvinced. At that point Melania shouted, “they’ll take away your toupee, you moron. Think what you’ll look like in paparazzi shots then.”
Faced with the possibility he might be photographed bald was enough. Drumpf declared to reporters that, “I will not subject myself to a perjury trap.”
Drumpf also repeated his claim that Woodward never tried to contact him for an interview. “I know some story’s going around that I remembered Lindsey Graham told me he wanted us to meet. That’s total nonsense. I don’t know who made that stupid story up, but Lindsey’s not my answering machine.”[2]
“He ballooned the deficit, sold off the country to corporate interests who will sell it piece-by-piece to China, lined the pockets of the rich with exorbitant tax breaks that left a few crumbs for the dumb Southerners and suckers…sorry… loyal supporters who elected him. Name one other President who could do all that.”
White House Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders responded to Woodward’s new allegations with her standard claim. An incompetent President couldn’t accomplish the great things he accomplished:
“He ballooned the deficit, sold off the country to corporate interests who will sell it piece-by-piece to China, lined the pockets of the rich with exorbitant tax breaks that left a few crumbs for the dumb Southerners and suckers…sorry… loyal supporters who elected him. Name one other President who could do all that.”
Sources at Simon & Schuster told the media, “You may be shocked by our previews of the book, but we’ve only made public the stuff in the foreward.”
[1]: Neither the Haven or other publications can verify Obama made any such claim, but FOX News repeated it twelve times, three times on Hannity, so it now is accepted truth.
[2]: It turns out Drumpf made the story up when he spoke to Woodward on the phone.
Jonesing for an additional 45 fix? Check out:
- Allan Ishac
- Steven Rouach
- The White House Log, a roundup of my reporting.

Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, and the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus. Follow him @stephens_pt.




