Sleep on the job: a lazy person’s guide to working from home
Maximise productivity without trying very hard
Since working from home became commonplace, many of us evolved strategies to make our days go by without having to move a single arse cheek. Here I will share some tips to keep you safe from breaking a sweat and risking doing more than the bare minimum:
Make sure your work PC is no more than a 10-second walk from your bed.
Ideally, work in the room right next to your bedroom. Or have your work PC in your bedroom with you. Or fuck it, have your laptop in bed with you. This way you can maximise the amount of time before your alarm rudely awakens you from your most important task — sleeping.
Nobody can see you’re in pajama bottoms on a video call.
So don’t get dressed. If you absolutely HAVE to do a video call, temporarily smother the “tweet dreams” birds/teddy bears/Disney characters adorning your PJ top with a loose-fitting jumper. As soon as the camera turns off, they can breathe again.
Have a gallon bottle at the ready.
Who wants to get up to refill their glass? I have a 3.7L absolute UNIT which I fill with cold water at the start of every shift and now it’s my own water cooler!
Install an emergency alarm.
Live with others? Ruin their day by installing an alarm system which will shatter their eardrums with a blaring obnoxious tone whenever you want a drink making — yes, tea is an emergency!!!
Sleep on the job.
Had a little too much wine the night before or stayed up til 2am doom-scrolling? No problem — take a 2-hour nap. To fool others that you’re working, do this:
- Open your YouTube app, type ‘mouse jiggler’ and select a video
- When it’s playing, place your computer mouse on your phone screen
- The mouse sensor will respond and your cursor will jiggle — you’ll appear “Online” on Microsoft Teams
- If the jiggler videos fail, try 10-hour cartoon Mr Bean videos. They’ve never let me down.
Brushing teeth is a chore.
Just keep a pack of chewing gum on your desk instead.
Get a desktop bin.
Mine is adorable and he helps me to hide the wrappers of all the crap I eat so that there’s no evidence when I’ve been on a carb binge in response to stresses at work.
Invest in a mini fridge.
No more unnecessary trips to the kitchen — all your chilled snacks within an arms’ reach.
(Anyone would think you were going camping with all these convenient portables — but camping requires a person to be energetic and motivated, and if you’re reading this, you don’t possess any of those qualities).
Mini fridge empty? I have two words.
Uber. Eats.
Build your own landmark!
Laziness is a form of art. Well, at least that’s what I tell myself when I have a lovely pile of dirty plates building up on one side of my desk — I like to call it ‘The Leaning Tower of Last Night’s Pizza’. But seriously, if you remember to take dirty dishes out with you every time you leave your working room — you’re lying.
Last but not least — memorise keyboard shortcuts.
Particularly Alt+Ctrl+Delete when it’s time to log off.
Got any more tips to exercise as few muscles as possible when working from home? Let me know!
