Yakov would always bring binoculars when visiting the nude beaches in Long Island. He told me the binoculars were for watching seabirds. I must be the most naïve man on the planet, because I believed him, until one day, he was arrested for public masturbation. Yakov is eighty-six years old. I don’t think he should have been arrested. At his age, I think he should have been given a medal.

Personally, I don’t think public masturbation is so bad. As long as the masturbator is polite and cleans up, where’s the harm?

Once, I was relaxing in the steam room of a health club, and when I opened my eyes, three other guys in the stream room were furiously masturbating, all of them pulling on their members as if it were a fast action video game. I’ve never been so astonished. I stood up and shouted, “everyone keep your hands to yourself,” which was a dumb thing to say, since everybody was indeed keeping their hands to themselves. The masturbators all laughed at my blunder of words. I was so flustered that I ran for the door, but slipped on the wet tiles and banged my head on the floor. One of the masturbators helped me up. He was very kind. It’s not easy to stop what you’re doing, when what you’re doing is so entrancing, but this guy did. He got an icepack for my head, then returned to the steam room and continued masturbating with the other fellas — but despite his kindness, I was very disturbed. I was physically and emotionally bruised, so on second thought, disregard everything I said earlier about public masturbation.