Yay, Freedom!
I’ll take a big heaping bowl of freedom any day over a thin cup of gazpacho, wouldn’t you? Would you rather go to your boring job, or paint your face and yell “FREEEEEDOM!” like Ted Cruz riding along and going all Bravehearty? The choice is obvious: it’s freedom!
Freedom is amazing. These days it’s like the word patriot, only applicable to specific people who support a specific 74-year-old raging boiled ham in an orange wig. If you’re not that, you’re out of luck. But if you are, well wow!
You can honk for freedom all day and night for three weeks under peoples’ bedroom windows, because that’s what it’s all about — a celebration! The honking will continue until freedom improves.
Freedom is the freedom to do stuff. Freedom is also the freedom to know when you’ve got freedom. For example, the MyPillow guy announced he was going to dump 10,000 pillows out of a helicopter over Ottawa, because that was his freedom. But he didn’t, because that was also his freedom. And guys in trucks full of flags can go in endless circles around the Beltway, like runaway ISIS bowling balls. Seriously, freedom is cool. Look at all the different kinds:
1. Freedom from masks — You could go up to someone and rip their mask off to free them, but instead why not say, “Excuse me ma’am, do you have a moment to talk about freedom?”
2. Freedom of speech — This is our most sacred freedom except for the Second Amendment. And also, the amendment about freedom from libs who offend us. What’s that, lefty? I can’t hear you over the sound of my freedom.
3. And speaking of the Second Amendment — An AK-47 fires 600 rounds of freedom per minute. Remember to carry one because you never know when someone will shoot at you; Jesus would have wanted this.
4. Freedom to squelch — You can sue The New York Times for publishing things about you that you don’t like because freedom, people.
5. Freedom to squeeze — If you’re the Governor of Texas, you have a lot of freedom, like the freedom to deputize the entire state as the biggest vigilante posse in history! You’ve also got the freedom to order utilities to charge maximum rates during the worst snowstorm in years. That’s a lot of freedom. If you’re one of the citizens of the great state of Texas who still owes $3.4 billion for heating after that storm, well, you have the freedom to take oxycontin and let freedom ring.
6. Freedom to squash — You can invade another country to liberate its citizens from the tyranny they never knew they had. And when you tell them freedom is why you’ve invaded, they’d better appreciate it!
7. Medical freedom — It’s why we’re all in this convoy! It’s your right to not get vaccinated and die like a medieval peasant if you want to. At least you die free.
Remember, the government is coming to take your rights, so be sure to barricade yourself inside your fortified forty-forts and stay in there until you’re told to come out. Hooray for freedom!
