YEVGENY PRIGOZHIN AND OTHER CATERER, BROILMASTER & PASTRY CHEF-REBELS IN WORLD HISTORY
As recent events have shown: cooking professionals make great insurrectionists too
The world is still reeling from the shocking news that chief of Russia’s Wagner Group, Yevgeny Prigozhin, mutinied, took control of the city of Rostov and was set to storm Moscow when a last minute deal gave him refuge in nuclear-armed Belarus and ended the crisis.
For now.
Called ‘Putin’s Chef’, Prigozhin rose to power as the Kremlin’s head caterer and CEO of a chain of hotdog restaurants, which puts him into a rich tradition of caterer, broilmaster and other cooking professional-turned-revolutionaries who’ve chopped, fried, julienned, steamed, grated and fomented overall societal upheaval in times past.
Perhaps it’s the fact they command teams of subordinates in fiery carcass-strewn environments, their skill and familiarity with blades of every size or that everyone fears and obeys them without question that makes catering professionals such formidable leaders. History offers some examples:
Hatotep, Taster-in-Chief to the Middle Kingdom Pharaohs. Little is known about Hatotep except for some hieroglyphic fragments and the spectacular burial chamber in which he was placed. What we can deduce is that he was principal kitchen-master to the Theban dynasty and invented a roast bird dish that — based on a partially preserved hieroglyph — appears to be some kind of marsh fowl, covered in a cumin rub and cooked in barley oil. The dish was so popular Hatotep was made taster-in-chief to the court. For reasons that remain obscure, Hatotep appears to have used this position to poison the entire dynasty during a banquet for a thousand courtiers all of whom are mummified in their death throes while seated at long granite table interred in his commemorative pyramid. A mummified Hatotep himself is with them at the head of the table, in a poise of perfect grace. Carbon-dating puts his corpse 30 years later than those of his victims, which suggests he carried on ruling long after mass-poisoning his employers. Later hieroglyphs show the cumin-basted fowl was superseded by a fried flamingo recipe.
Gaius Cassius Tuttus, Ancient Roman creator of the Tutti Frutti. His candied fruit snacks were sold on the streets, in galleys, chariot races and became so popular among the populace of first century Rome he was elected Senator. From there, Tuttus built a power base, whipping up sugar-crazed mobs to fight enemies of the Republic, then allying with Caesar against Pompey. When Caesar ordered him to disband his confectionary-fuelled militia and dispose of a hundred tons of candied grapefruit into the Tiber, he tried and failed to assassinate the Emperor prompting the lesser-known quote: “Et Tu Tutte?”
Yesugei, Master Broilmaster to Genghis Kan. Famed Mongol barbeque chief and roast animal specialist, Yesugei was famed for broiling so many whole yaks, cows, bison and elk for roving bands of the Mongol army the central Asian air would turn black and sweet with fragrance days after. Pioneering the ‘whole carcass brochette’ — in which medium-size animals were skewered onto large catapult lances in-between oversize vegetables grown on the fertile steppes — Yesugei turned his hardened band of livestock hunters into a private army that took control of the Korean peninsular and is widely credited with inventing bulgogi barbeque and the wagyu beef stack.
Cuitopec, the Obsidian Goddess. Yes there are woman caterer-revolutionaries too !— in this case Cuitopec, High Priestess of the Ocelot God Thumami, deity of mountain flowers, shapeless terror and kitchenware. Cuitopec proved so adept at preparing and cooking the flesh of deceased enemies in the Dandelion Wars she was made a deity herself — called the Obsidian Goddess on account of her legendary set of butcher knives. She soon gained command of an army of Totonac warriors so fierce and intelligent they destroyed a regiment of Spanish Conquistadores by pretending to admire their glass beads while disabling their muskets and sealing their armour with glue. Unfortunately Cuitopec and her men died of indigestion after consuming the scurvy-riddled bodies of said conquistadores in a peyote-laced avocado broth.
Billy Boy Murphy was the most famed potato-fryer of 17th century London, plying his trade in Southwark and widely credited with inventing the potato chip. When Puritans accused his wife of being a witch he incited a London mob to violent revolt. Lured into negotiations in the hull of an Italian trade ship docked on the Thames he was poisoned and drowned in a vat of Carovigno tomatoes by duplicitous Puritans. However, his jerkin pocket still held a sack of fried potatoes and which were eaten later by one of his famished assassins, now widely credited with creating the ketchup dip.
Pierre St Eustace was a superstar Parisian patissier banished to the French Foreign Legion for crimes of moral depravity. Sent to Algeria, he incited his troops to revolt and they marched on Oran. An inveterate racist, St Eustace would only serve his men white foodstuffs like processed flour, sugar, milk, onions, chicken meat etc and they mostly perished from malnutrition and chronic halitosis. He fled for his life, hiding in a Berber camp where he was photographed trying to tip a gallon sack of white navy beans into their communal broth. There are no further records of his existence.
So Commander Prigozhin fits into a long line of food industry insurrectionists. Now that he’s been given refuge in Belarus, it’s worth noting his love of flambée… Bananas Foster were the signature dish at his 5-star Old Customs House restaurant in St Petersburg. If history teaches us anything, it’s that what starts with a hot dog bun can end with a tactical nuclear missile.
