Yo! It’s Your Homeboy Scott and Fistbumping is Back On Like Donkey Kong

Make a fist and spread flava, not viruses.

Brian Abbey
Mar 17 · 3 min read
Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

Holla homeslice! So, check it — the Rona showed up in 2020 and we all got served, but it’s a new year. Wanna know what’s off-the-hook for reals in 2021? Fistbumping like 2005. Don’t come at me with a hug, broseph. Talk to the hand, and the hand says knuckles up.

When you walk into the store with a mask on your face, you just want to get out of there disease free. But then you see Chad, and you need some way to say hey to your boy. What does the socially responsible baller do when he sees his boy? Pound them knucks!

Hands, fingers, and palms? Those germ carrying menaces can eat my shorts. A firm handshake used to be dope, but now all it says is ‘Here, have some Rona.’ Chad understands a fistbump transfers 90% fewer germs than a handshake because it requires a significantly smaller area of surface contact. Aight, homie. Them bones are the COVID-approved way to show Chad you love him like a brother.

I love you, Chad!

Safety is da bomb! I’m already kickin’ that phat Gucci mask that lets people know I’m livin’ large in the ‘demic. I don’t wanna cramp my style with a whack germ swap. Make a fist and spread flava instead of viruses. Chad gets it. He doesn’t want further shutdown measures hindering the rebound of a global economy experiencing one of its greatest contractions since the Second World War. As if! Chad knows a reasonable set of precautions such as handwashing and only kickin’ with your quarantine pod will help flatten the curve. Word, Chad. Word.

Nobody is down with the sickness, but I’m down with the containment. The World Health Organization isn’t asking you to break out your old Ed Hardy t-shirt. (Although that would be pimp!) The WHO is saying, ‘Yo homeskillet, why you frontin’ like the Rona ain’t a thing?’ Me and Chad see some of you out there pressing the flesh like it’s all good.

Pfffttt.

What’s that you say? Liberal media exaggerates the necessity of masks and social distancing as a sinister means of isolating citizens and commandeering their freedom until the US is ripe for a communist coup? Oh, my bad.

Bro, why you trippin’? Cool your QAnon jets. Chad will be happy to explain how masks and social distancing can be used as part of a comprehensive strategy of measures to suppress viral transmission and save lives. He knows medical science is legit and Fauci is the man!

Remember back in 2008 when Barack and Michelle locked knuckles during the election? Obama knew fistbumps were the future because he’s a politician and those peeps shake hands for a living. The Dalai Lama also fistbumps because, like Chad and Obama, he knows viral transmission can be mitigated by limiting one’s exposure to active transfer agents such as fingers.

That’s hot.

Yeah, yeah, you think this is all fake news, but don’t have a cow, bro. The Rona is real and there’s less disease in the dap. Facts.

Before I bounce, let me say one more thing. This is one of those situations where one loser can ruin it for everybody. Ever heard of Typhoid Mary? Duh.

We all have to represent if we want to get back to norms. Plus, fistbumps look sick! Sick as in wicked, not as in acute respiratory infections.

So, do us a solid and raise those knucks. The world thanks you. The economy thanks you. And Chad is stoked.

Be stoked like Chad, bro.

Peace Out.

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Brian Abbey

Written by

expat, ex-philosopher, ex-entrepreneur writing on society, relationships, & AI singularities. VICE, Salon, & misc humor sites @brianabbey brianabbeywriter.com

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

Brian Abbey

Written by

expat, ex-philosopher, ex-entrepreneur writing on society, relationships, & AI singularities. VICE, Salon, & misc humor sites @brianabbey brianabbeywriter.com

The Haven

The Haven

A Place to Be Funny Without Being a Jerk

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