You Can Keep Cake Moist by Eating It All in One Sitting

‘Mom and Dad Are Dinosaurs!’ Book Excerpt

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Mom has a weight problem. The Donner party could have lived off her all winter. It’s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing. Mom didn’t just fall off the diet wagon, she set it on fire, pushed it off a cliff, and used the insurance money to buy cupcakes.

So, Mom went shopping for a bathroom scale. She found one that tracks not only weight but also body fat, bone mass, and water percentage. She chose a low-tech model. Mom said, “I don’t need to be told I’m fat four times, once is quite enough.”

When gyms became popular, Mom signed up for a $300 one-year membership. Dad said it’s a waste of money. I guess he’s right; that year it worked out to $150 per visit. Mom has a favorite machine at the gym. She says it has everything: Snickers, Kit Kats, Oreos, the works! She now does 100 crunches a day; Fritos and Pringles are her favorites.

Grandpa was a real inspiration to get healthy. He started running a mile a day when he was 65. Now he’s 70 and we have no idea where he is. Dad’s health regimen is to sleep eight hours a day. And at least 10 a night.

Dad says the only exercise Mom does is jumping to conclusions and running up bills, so he bought her a high-tech treadmill. It has a fitness app and digital display that tracks her distance covered and calories burned, measures her heart rate, and connects with a personal trainer who guides her workouts. Mom entered what she ate in one day and it sent an ambulance to our house.

It’s funny how television redefined the word “marathon” to mean the exact opposite of physical exercise. Dad says he’d do anything to lose 10 pounds except eat healthy and work out. The only way he’ll get thinner is at the paint store. He sits on the couch all day and uses Mom’s Pilates ball as a footrest.

Dad once tried the treadmill but realized he was going nowhere fast. He asked the trainer, “I want to impress girls, what machine should I use?” The guy said, “Try an ATM.”

Mom and Dad finally found a use for the treadmill. When it rains, they use it to walk our dog Spiffy.

Frank Mastropolo is the author of Mom and Dad Are Dinosaurs!