You Guys…I Met A German Cannibal On Bumble And I Think I’m Going To See Him Again
Hey, you guys, it’s Brittany again. For those of you following my vlog, or Instagram account, or my Twitter account @WheresBrittanyNowLOLHereIAmDuh, or follow me on Facebook or subscribe to my YouTube channel or on SnapChat — phew! — you know that today I am in the historic city of Munich. You guys, it is so beautiful here. Ich liebe dich! No, I didn’t just call you a dick, silly! That means I love you in German. LOL. After an eight-hour flight and a seemingly endless customs line at Munchen International, I was eager to hit up all the sights. But while you know me as a fiercely independent and fearless explorer, the constant whirlwind of UNESCO sites can be a bummer. Confession time: it sometimes gets a little lonely being a long-legged, blonde-haired, blue-eyed globetrotting influencer with over 432.2k followers with only her selfie stick to keep her company (I know I’ve got you guys in the comments section LOL!). So what do you do when you’re in a strange city and want to meet a new friend? I turned to my phone and started swiping…left…left…left…and then I came across Armin. You guys…he calls himself a “cannonball”…I guess because he’s so forceful. I know he’s bowled me over :) What a cut up! Not only is he funny…but he’s hot, too. You should see his abs! He says it’s because of his special diet. We agreed to meet yesterday in the lovely Hofgarten — a charming 17th century Italian Renaissance garden — and there was Armin, looking dashing and mysterious in black turtleneck and leather duster, munching on a homemade weisswurst — it was love at first sight! He’s so thoughtful; he offered me a bite, too. It was delicious! He said it’s his own special recipe, and it was the best sausage I’ve ever had…nom nom nom! You guys…I think I’m going to see him again!
I know what you’re saying: “Slow down, Brit. You don’t know anything about him.” But he’s so nice. We spent the entire day strolling the Viktualienmarkt, making frequent stops at various food vendors, Armin continually stuffing my mouth with all kinds of fruits and vegetables; he’s so attentive. He’s concerned about my nutrition. You guys, he says I’m too skinny (swoon)! After a long day of sightseeing, we went back to Armin’s place and he gave me a massage. He says I’m too tense and he needs to tenderize my muscles. I guess trans-Atlantic air travel can really take its toll on the posture, and the recycled air on the plane is harsh on the skin. Luckily, I have Armin to give me the most heavenly rub-downs, massaging his special lotion of juniper berries, garlic, onions, and oil into my aching shoulders and taut back. He made every atom in my body tingle — it was as if I were in a big, old sauce pan simmering on low heat. “I could just eat you up,” he says, and calls me his “little schwenkbraten” (that’s his “little pork chop” in German). You guys…I’m literally crying here. He’s. So. Sweet. I. Can’t. Even.
You should see how he looks at me. I’ve never had anyone look at me the way he does. He looks at me like he wants to consume me, like literally, he wants to devour me. It’s as if he’s ravenous or something. I hope you meet someone someday who looks at you the way Armin looks at me.
After the massage, we spent the remainder of the evening in Armin’s well-stocked kitchen. Let me tell you: these Germans are serious about their meats! He’s got every imaginable knife and saw suspended from the ceiling from the most impressive drying rack you’ve ever seen. This man knows his cutlery! Even more impressive was his collection of commercial-grade freezer chests — some were even longer than me! While he was gnoshing all evening on cold cuts and cured meats, he kept insisting I eat healthier — bowl after bowl of mixed salad greens and herbs; he said he prefers me to be “grass-fed” so that I “melt in his mouth.” You guys…if you couldn’t already tell…I’m already melting! What can I say? He’s my meat-and-potatoes guy and I’ll be his little veal calf — he actually called me that (Have you ever seen one? They are SO cute).
What I love most about him is how much he cares about other people. He keeps a photo album of newspaper clippings of missing persons and I saw him literally get emotional as he paged through it, commenting, “schweinshaxe, schweinebraten und kohl, frikadellen, königsberger klopse, and schnitzel…” like he wanted to find each one and personally make them dinner! My heart…
Well, I’ve got to go. I’m meeting one of Armin’s friends tonight and I want to make a good impression. He said he’s “having a friend tonight for dinner” and invited me to his flat “for dessert.” Wish me luck! XOXO
