“You Look Like a Fugly Care Bear” and Other Hits from the Security Breach Group Chat

JD, now that the election’s over, shave the beard. You look like a fugly Care Bear.

A Houthi is the missing link between a Hutu and a Tutsi. Trust me, I went to Yale.

Fuck/Marry/Kill: Government Agencies. Go!

Can someone get me a meeting with Elon? I got this idea for a Cybertank.

Happy Hour?

Trump says our new national security priority is finding Melania. You guys seen her?

Free granola bars in the Situation Room!

🍆💦😭

Sorry, wrong groupchat.

The Treasury Sec is GAY? He’s not in this chat, right?

Happy Hour???

Trump forgot his password. Send the blonde intern.

Look at this cute dog.

SHIT. DON’T OPEN THAT PHOTO.

You guys want in on a timeshare in Greenland?

Just tried RFK Jr’s granola bars. Don’t. 🤢🤢🤢

Leavitt, when those word-nerds ask if we bombed Yemen, you gotta say: “YEAH, MAN!” Lololol

Education is dunzo. Good riddance. I’ve hated it since I failed kindergarten.

Guys, I met a back channel to Putin on Instagram. Her name is Natalia and boy is she social.

I got an email from DOGE. Go on without me! 👊😢🔥

HAPPY HOUR???

Who’s this Jeffrey Goldberg guy?

He was in Jurassic Park.

Oh fuck.