PARTY AFFILIATION
You Might Be a MAGA Republican
A handy checklist
Provided as a public service, here is a checklist of items that may indicate that you have become a MAGA Republican. Please print this list and check the boxes honestly. More checks = more MAGA.
🔲 If your political flags have been in the sun so long that all the text has faded away, you might be a MAGA Republican.
🔲 If you’ve hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to write a politician’s name, you might be a MAGA Republican.
🔲 If you believe a golden toilet means that a former president’s shit don’t stink, you might be a MAGA Republican.
🔲 If you spit every time you hear the current president’s name, you might be a MAGA Republican.
🔲 If you’ve worn out several red hats and buried each of them with honors, you might be a MAGA Republican.
🔲 If you have more guns than books, you might be a MAGA Republican. (Publications about guns don’t count.)
🔲 If you’ve spent more than a month’s worth of income on MAGA merchandise, you might be a MAGA Republican.
🔲 If you don’t see the irony of contributing your meager funds to a purported billionaire, you might be a MAGA Republican.
🔲 If there are so many flags on your red, white, and blue monster truck that the wind resistance makes it impossible to do 60 MPH, you might be a MAGA Republican.
🔲 If you think there are positions available for Fox News fact checkers, you might be a MAGA Republican.
🔲 If your favorite misunderstood NASCAR cheer involves Brandon, you might be a MAGA Republican.
🔲 If your offspring are named Tucker, Rush, or Donald J., you might be a MAGA Republican
🔲 If you rally ‘round the flag and then use its staff to break into the Capitol, you just might be a MAGA Republican.
🔲 If you failed all your courses in US history, but you want to make America great again, you might be a MAGA Republican.
🔲 If you believe that big money from George Soros is the root of all political evil but have never heard of Richard Uihlein or Kenneth C. Griffin or Jeffrey S. & Janine Yass, you might be a MAGA Republican.
🔲 If alternative facts are more compelling than verifiable ones, you might be a MAGA Republican.
🔲 If you think your right to free speech makes it OK to display expletives for third graders to see, you might be a MAGA Republican.
🔲 If your front yard has been mistaken for a flag store, you might be a MAGA Republican.
🔲 If you believe the most important part of the Constitution is the second amendment, you might be a MAGA Republican.
🔲 If you see no inconsistency in flying a flag of the Confederacy beside the Stars and Stripes, you might be a MAGA Republican.
🔲 If your unsupported opinion carries every bit as much weight as documented facts, you might be a MAGA Republican.
🔲 If those damn slacker college kids don’t deserve loan forgiveness since the government never did anything for you, you might be a MAGA Republican.
If this list has made you realize you are a MAGA Republican, do not despair. Help is available.
Call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) helpline at 1–800–662-HELP (4357) for referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations.
