You Need A Sick Profile Pic.

Fatchecker
The Haven
Published in
4 min readFeb 27, 2023
blank profile picture

Mmm. Stop. Blogger time.

So, someone taps you on the shoulder and says, “You need a better profile pic.” If this has happened to you just once, that’s two times too many.

Well, luckily for you, we’re here to assist you in taking the most important photo, or, getting done the most important image, in your entire life.

What makes us experts? Well you’re here reading this ain’t you?

Remember a profile pic is for life, not just for Christmas….

photo of woman looking miserable wearing Ho! Ho! Ho! Christmas hat

Although, you could have a seasonal profile pic.

man standing next to burnt out car covered in snow with snowball in hand

Or, a seasonal profile pic, during civil unrest.

photo of city landscape

Why not show us where you live?

photo of city landscape with eyes and top half of woman’s head in shot

Or, why not show us where, you live?

photo of dinner plate with pie and chips on it, with pie labelled Vegan

If you are an animal lover, pose with something that shows this.

poor quality photo of a rat in a garden with monkey nuts

Or show us nature in all its wonderful beautiful glory.

Pose looking left. You obviously have an analytical brain.

photo of woman looking with eyes right

Pose looking right. You obviously have an artistic brain.

photo of woman looking with eyes looking up

Pose looking up. You’re obviously not impressed by brainboxes.

Pose looking down. You’re obviously on your phone googling, “What’s a brian?”

photo of hand slamming down matching card onto to table

Sporty? Show us.

photo of woman wearing mask inside out with “masks don’t work” written on the mask

Make a political statement.

photo of black cat with small cardboard ‘black live’s matter’ sign

Or, make a, Pawlitical statement.

1st Person: “Pawlitical.” ‘thetic.

Me: The cat lover demographic is very large and very influential.

photo of woman wearing a bright red wig, large sunglasses and with a large old fashioned tobacco  pipe in mouth

Why not use one of those fancy apps to turn your portrait into a Manga character?

photo of woman looking miserable on sofa with her cat, breakfast bowl and a mug of coffee

Use a photo that communicates the busy life you lead.

selfie photo of woman in Italy

If you’ve been on a journey why not show us?

photo of woman in charity shop with both legs in one leg of a very large pair of jeans

Or, if you’ve been on a journey why not show us?

photo of hand drawn portrait

Try using one of those fancy apps to turn your portrait into a cartoon.

photo of mock of up of painting American Gothic by Grant Wood. Woman stares at woman next to her who is staring at us whilst holding a very small garden trowel. Both women are same person.

Tell the world how cultured you are.

photo of mock of up of painting American Gothic by Grant Wood. Woman stares at woman next to her who is staring at us whilst holding a very small garden trowel. Both women are same person.

If you’re not cultured, Nevermind.

negative photo of woman with her cat

Always use a filter.

photo of woman wearing oversized hat, sunglasses and coat

Try digging out a childhood photo.

photo of hand holding up ice cream cone

Always remember the U.S. market.

photo of howler monkey howling

1st Person: You need a better profile pic.

Me: Why, I think it sums me up quite nicely.

1st Person: What, on the toilet, after eating too much chilli?

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Made in collaboration with Hen, the CEO of the Madeup Model agency.

Special thanks to Ewa.

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Fatchecker
The Haven

Culturally diverse blue collar ageing b-boy and incessant moaner. Midlander. yUK. Pronoun: Amateur hour.