Food
What Grocery Labels Should Look Like
“You Were Gonna Bake with Salted Butter? Amateur.”
Picking groceries is tricky in a world of abundant choice. Product labels ought to help consumers make the right choices and leave with the items they need. But labels these days are overcrowded with ingredients, percentages, logos, barcodes, animations and product origin stories — among other facts, figures and fables.
I’d like labels to look more like this:
1. WINE
Wine packaging can do away with the useless blurb about hints of macadamia, dark chocolate or pine. I don’t want hints. I want answers.
I know white wine goes with fish and red wine goes with beef. But tell me, which wine pairs well with the Sunday Scaries?
Tell me, “This bottle is cheap but sufficiently unlike vinegar that your non-sommelier friends will be none the wiser.”
2. (UNHEALTHY) TRAIL MIX
There’s no need to pretend this bag of peanut butter chips and off-brand m&m’s is nutritious. Just spin the truth positively.
Like: “Chocolate, with added nuts for protein!”
Maybe list the chocolate-to-raisin ratio the way universities list faculty-to-student ratios: “Five pieces of chocolate for every one dehydrated grape!”
And if there’s no chocolate inside, there MUST be a warning on the packaging. Or I’ll cry when I open the bag and can’t find any.
3. (REAL) MAPLE SYRUP
“A Canadian citizen is rushed to the ER every time you eat that awful fake stuff. We know the real deal is expensive, but it lasts for ages. (Unless you eat pancakes daily, you fat arse.)”
4. OLIVE OIL
“You think you have inexhaustible supplies at home, but you don’t. It’s actually been a year since you bought this.” Applies to any pantry staple.
5. UNSALTED BUTTER
“You were gonna bake with salted butter? Amateur.”
6. FROZEN FRUIT
“Look at your basket. You missed the opportunity to grab fresh fruit at the produce section by the entrance. You’re deep into the maze now. Welcome to the frozen aisle: your second chance to approximate a healthy diet. Ice cream brought you here, and frozen fruit is your chance at redemption.”
7. ONIONS
“Literally name a cuisine that doesn’t feature this ingredient.”
8. GARLIC
See above.
9. AVOCADOS
“Attention! These fruits are attention whores. If you don’t watch them closely and caress them daily to evaluate their mood, you will miss the ripe window and be left with brown mush.”
10. BOTTLED WATER
“Sure, bottled water is generally a waste of money and plastic if you have potable tap water. But you don’t want to be the idiot who has no water during an emergency because she thought she could single-handedly save the oceans.”
