You’d Better Watch Out
As COVID cases continue to spiral out of control, UN secretary-general Guterres urges world leaders to cancel Christmas. Despite this, a non-compliant Santa Claus is still hell-bent on coming to town.
Today, UN secretary-general António Guterres pleaded with world leaders to cancel Christmas for “the greater good of humanity.”
In his speech, Guterres expressed concern over the “defiant behavior” of Santa Claus and how his presence could lead to more COVID deaths.
“Due to his inability to take COVID regulations seriously, I believe Mr. Claus will put countless lives at risk this holiday season. If we wish to protect humanity, we must prevent Mr. Claus from performing his scheduled deliveries on the night of December 24th.”
Shortly after wrapping his speech, Santa Claus responded to Guterres via Twitter with the following message:
When asked about Santa’s tweet during a press conference, Guterres shrugged.
“I’m not surprised by his comments, nor should any of you be. Mr. Claus is a sad, broken man. In the span of a few years, he lost his influence, as well as his perspective. Worst of all, he did it to himself.”
The Decline of Kris Kringle
As hinted by Guterres, the public image of Santa Claus has deteriorated in recent years. A once jolly and beloved figure, Santa’s reputation would take a massive hit in 2018 when several substantial allegations of sexual misconduct were filed against him.
The first of these allegations came from Ellen Hatch, who was the subject of the 1952 Christmas song, “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.”
During its initial release, the song attempted to label Santa Claus as “a victim of circumstance” who was “unwittingly lured” by Hatch under a mistletoe. In reality, the roles were reversed, and Hatch was the actual victim of unwanted advances from Santa.
When attempting to take her case to the authorities in 1952, Hatch’s claims were quickly rejected. However, the press picked up her story. This media attention led Santa Claus to meet with songwriter Tommie Connor and singer Jimmy Boyd. The trio would quickly release the song “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus,” which set out to gaslight Hatch’s claims and make Santa look like the real victim. As a result, Santa’s reputation was saved, and Hatch’s life dissolved into chaos.
It would take Hatch 66 years to find justice. Thanks to the highly profiled sexual abuse cases of Harvey Weinstein, Hatch’s lawsuit against Santa Claus found new life in June of 2018.
Speaking to The Haven, Connor’s prosecuting lawyer, Debra Katz, described the case as “a pivotal moment for the #MeToo movement.”
“Here’s a man who had the world in his hands; a beloved pop culture figure who we assumed could never be naughty because of the virtues he preached. Except he was naughty, and now, he’s going to pay for his crimes, tenfold.”
Following Hatch’s win in court, Santa Claus faced several additional allegations of sexual misconduct, the likes of which shared similar narratives to Hatch’s case. In a since-deleted Twitter tirade, Santa discredited these allegations and insulted the women involved.
Amid all this chaos, Santa Claus would lose the support of his lifelong partner, Mrs. Claus. Immediately following the sexual misconduct trials, Mrs. Claus filed for divorce and relocated to the South Pole.
Before leaving the North Pole, Mrs. Claus issued a statement to the press, expressing guilt for discrediting Hatch in 1952.
“Years ago, when Ellen first went to the tabloids with her truth, I denounced her story. Instead, I chose to believe the lie that my husband spun in a holiday jingle. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve danced to that asinine song. It makes me sick to my stomach.”
As the summer of 2018 came to an end, Santa would face charges from all of his accusers. Due to the necessity of his profession, he was able to avoid jail time. However, his survivors were awarded a $75 million settlement.
As for his reputation, many denounced his character and rejected his services. During December of 2018, Christmas Spirit was down 85%. Today, only 45% of the world’s population writes letters to Santa’s Workshop in the North Pole.
Many critics assumed these lackluster statistics would drive Santa Claus to retire his red coat for good.
They were wrong.
The Far-Right and Santa Claus
Following his brush with the #MeToo movement, members of the far-right were quick to welcome Santa Claus with open arms. Santa proudly refers to these individuals as his “true believers” who fuel him with “the strength to keep going.”
Santa’s shift into right-wing extremism was not positively received at the North Pole. Harold the Elf, a union leader at Santa’s Workshop, criticized the “inexcusable” behavior of his boss when speaking to The Haven.
“We elves do not endorse the offensive rhetoric Santa Claus has chosen to embrace.”
When questioned about Santa’s current relationship with elves, Harold the Elf expressed “a growing sense of distance” occurring within the workshop.
“We rarely see him anymore. Most of the time, he’s listening to the Joe Rogan Podcast in his office with the door locked shut. He’s also in the process of getting the sleigh modified by Elon Musk, which is a huge slap in the face to our engineer elves. As a matter of fact, Claus doesn’t give a reindeer’s ass about elf rights, period. We’re paid below minimum wage and are fed nothing but candy canes and hot cocoa. The entirety of my paycheck goes towards a diabetes medication I can’t afford. My blood sugar levels are so high; I could literally drop dead any second!”
Finally, when questioned about Santa’s views on the cancelation of Christmas, Harold the Elf confirmed the fears of many.
“Regardless of the verdict, he’s going to do his own thing. It’s immensely disappointing.”
Claus VS COVID
Throughout 2020, Santa Claus has downplayed the severity of COVID, alleging the virus to be “a giant conspiracy organized by the socialist left.”
In early December, Santa claimed via Twitter that he was immune to catching the virus.
To be fair, there is some truth to Santa’s tweet.
During a press conference in late November, Dr. Anthony Fauci claimed Santa Claus was “immune to COVID” and that he “could not spread the virus to anyone.” However, after receiving criticism from colleagues, Dr. Fauci retracted his statement and issued the following message to the press:
“A few weeks ago, I suggested that Santa Claus was immune to COVID, and furthermore, that he was incapable of spreading the virus. I said these things without a shred of evidence to back my claims, and for that, I apologize. Mr. Claus has proven to be extremely non-complainant with COVID restrictions. Furthermore, he has criticized the efforts of public health officials, the likes of whom are risking their lives to prepare a vaccine. Until Mr. Claus is willing to get tested, I support the efforts of UN secretary-general António Guterres, and urge our world leaders to cancel Christmas.”
As usual, Santa was quick to respond via Twitter:
Is Santa Claus Coming to Town?
When asked about the controversies surrounding Christmas 2020, Mrs. Claus (who recently changed her name to Anya) didn’t have much to say.
Citing her “deliberate efforts” to avoid news coverage of her ex-husband, Anya attempted to sum up her frustrations to The Haven.
“I know he’s a power-hungry asshole. No matter what happens, he’ll be right where he wants to be on Christmas Eve. My advice to people: board up your chimneys.”
It’s hard to say what will transpire on the evening of December 24th. To date, no clear decision has been made in regards to the cancellation of Christmas. But, if we’re to believe his tweets, Santa Claus still plans on coming to town, whether world leaders allow him to or not.
