Your first day as Batman: A Survival Guide

Welcome to your first day as Batman. First of all, we would like to extend our condolences over the loss of your parents in that alley 20 years ago. Remember that you are here to seek revenge and NOT for the thrill.

You have been away for quite a while, training your body to the peak of human perfection. You are actually quite large and muscular but don’t worry. No one in society is going to think that your incredible physique is out of place or strange, considering you appear to be a lazy, insanely rich playboy that sleeps until 3pm everyday and mysteriously vanishes every night.

You will need to familiarize yourself with the Batcave. Don’t laugh at the name because you are the one that calls it the Batcave. You will notice that the Batcave has everything you will ever need to fight crime: Non-lethal weapons that can definitely still be lethal, various bat-themed vehicles, a Batcomputer (again, remember it was you who named it that) and even a place to keep all of your trophies obtained from defeated villains, some of which are very large. There isn’t a need to worry about how all of this equipment was moved into the Batcave. You couldn’t use a moving company or anything, so you just have to conclude that you were able to move it all in here by yourself.

Lets focus on your utility belt for a moment. Depending on the belt, you usually have around 10 to 15 pockets and attachments you can store gadgets in. Typically, you want to be fully stocked on Batarangs (no laughing), smoke bombs, heavy duty rope that never seems to run out during a mission, and various odds and ends. The grapnel gun is one of your most important devices, as it allows you to quickly enter and exit a hostile situation or, in most cases, gives you the ability to scale a large building so you can look at the city and scowl.

Next is your Batsuit, or costume. You wear this costume to scare criminals and provide a symbol of hope for Gotham City. It is made of various fibers and elements that can stop most knives and sometimes can deflect bullets, depending on the storyline. There is a large image of a Bat on the front of your costume. This is to instill fear in and disorient any thugs you might encounter, but it also serves another purpose. If you are ever shot at, which you will be, criminals will always shoot the symbol, which sometimes hides a bullet proof plate beneath it. They will never aim for your head or face, so you don’t need to worry about being hit there. Remember to keep training and working out. Your Batsuit is custom tailored to show off every muscle, so no muffin tops are allowed. If your nipples are showing through the Batsuit, change to a different suit immediately.

You will face a large assortment of villains in your hometown of Gotham City as you fight crime. Your most notable adversary is an insane clown called The Joker. He is a homicidal maniac who kills for pleasure and seems to have taken a liking to you. He is a skinny freak who wears makeup and doesn’t have any of your training or physical attributes, but be careful! No matter how smart and cunning you are, he will always find a way to trap you and almost kill you. However, you will always escape at the last minute.

Sometimes, when you fight him, he beats the crap out of you by distracting you with long speeches and weaponized children’s toys. But fear not, for you will almost always catch him and lock him up in Arkham Asylum, which is a super maximum security prison. He will escape no matter how secure he may seem, so it's best to assume that the majority of crimes in Gotham are a result of his schemes.

There’s also a small, fat man who has umbrellas that shoot out gas called The Penguin, a sultry woman who dresses in skintight leather and likes to scratch your face called Catwoman, and a guy named Clayface who is made of actual liquid clay. He is incredibly strong and fast, and could easily kill you if the script called for it, but it probably won’t. You are usually one step ahead of these “super-villains” and know how to anticipate their every move, except when they trap you and then give you time to escape the trap.

You sometimes have a sidekick named Robin. He was a trapeze artist who vowed revenge on the person who killed his parents, but now he fights crime alongside you and wears a small domino mask across his eyes that completely eliminates any possibility of anyone recognizing his true identity by just imagining him without a costume but with sunglasses on. For now, we’ll just say that everything works out for him and he lives forever. Currently he is only about 12 years old, but you have decided that it's a good idea to have him jump off tall buildings and try to dodge bullets.

Your ever loyal butler, Alfred, took care of you as a kid and now faithfully assists you with your war on crime. When you told him that you were going to dress like a bat, spend millions of dollars on gadgets, beat criminals to a pulp, and reject the majority of his sagely counsel, he agreed to help you without any reservations. He is very skilled at operating the Batcomputer, which is odd because he is an old man who should be bad at computers.

People will hate you in part because you take the law into your own hands, but mainly because they are jealous of your fantastic abs. Don’t listen to them and keep causing thousands of dollars in property damage in the name of justice.

In closing, always remember this: You trained for a while in a mountain fortress so you could avenge the death of your parents by dressing up as a Bat and kicking people in their throats. Stay true to yourself and your mission. Stay angry even when you’re eating a really good meal or watching a hilarious comedy. Keep your chin up and your ears pointy.