SATIRE
Your Gaming Guide for the Grand Reopening of the Glenbrook High Casino
Formerly Glenbrook High School
‘N.Y. Schools Can Reopen, Cuomo Says, in Contrast With Much of U.S.’ — New York Times, 8–7–2020
Welcome to Glenbrook High Casino!
This guide covers everything you need to know about the basics of classroom gambling.
Please note that Glenbrook High is a strictly educational casino. The stakes are the same in every hand — the health of the student and their loved ones.
If you have any further questions, please take them up with your state governor.
Good luck! You’ll need it!
David C. Fuller
Principal, Glenbrook High Casino
P.S. I’ll be working from home for the foreseeable future.
Glenbrook Games (formerly ‘subjects’)
Risk (formerly ‘Economics’)
Students bet on whether the government will prioritize the economy over the health of the general population. The teacher-cashier pays out to any student who bets on ‘Yes’.
Prize: A repurposed economic impact payment.
Learning objective: Students will be able to understand the methods and principles of risk management and how to disregard them if they have already seen everything worth watching on Netflix. The last thing home-working parents need is to be distracted by the pubescent mewling of the terminally bored.
“Yes, and …” (formerly ‘Performing Arts’)
Two students improvise a scene beginning with the statement: “There’s a deadly virus sweeping the globe.” Students’ responses must start with “Yes, and …”
E.g.
Student A: There’s a deadly virus sweeping the globe.
Student B: Yes, and we’re all going to die in this classroom! Has the world gone mad?
Student-observers bet on how long it will take for one of the students to say: “Yes, and we should reopen the schools.”
Prize: The student who reopens schools in the quickest time may run for state governor.
Learning objective: Students will realize the importance of taking hasty decisions when faced with inconclusive data. To hell with the consequences!
Dodge-virus (formerly ‘Gym’)
Teachers place bets by throwing balls at the students they think have been observing social distancing rules during the summer. At the same time, they try to avoid balls thrown by the students with visible fever, breathing problems, or scabs (scabs aren’t a symptom, just ugly). Results determine the makeup of each teacher’s homeroom class.
Prize: Winning teachers get a homeroom full of trustworthy, virus-free students. Losing teachers develop a mild cough and take two weeks off.
Learning objective: As the saying goes — those who can, throw. Those who can’t, teach COVID-cases.
Taboo (formerly ‘Philosophy’)
Students debate an updated version of a maxim by Michel de Montaigne: “To study philosophy at school during a pandemic is to learn how to die.”
Students may not mention the following words and phrases:
- online learning
- homeschooling
- ventilation
- play it safe
- forethought
- due caution
- prudence
Prize: An internship at the White House Press Office.
Learning objective: Students will develop their ability to ignore the haters.
Roulette (formerly ‘Biology’)
Students place either ‘inside’ bets on their genetic makeup, or ‘outside’ bets on their blood group. If the roulette ball — or ‘virus’ — lands on the student’s genetic makeup or blood group, they win!
Prize: Winning students proceed directly to intensive care to cash out their COVID-19-induced respiratory failure. Congratulations!
Learning objective: Students will learn that particular gene variants and blood groups are susceptible to long-term complications from the virus, realizing — alas, too late! — that COVID-19 is more than just ‘the flu’, and that they are collateral damage in a morally bankrupt quest for herd immunity.
Blackjack (formerly ‘Civics’)
Students compete against the teacher-dealer to draw a hand that totals closest to or equal to 21.
Prize: If a student reaches 21 — blackjack — they are legally an adult in the eyes of every state law and may go home to cash out their right to stay there. Congratulations! Can I come with you?
Learning objective: Students will learn that education can be rewarding, once it has finished.
