PREVENT YOUR MURDER
Your Killer Is Most Likely Someone You Know
This patented questionnaire could save your life
It’s no secret.
If you get bludgeoned to death, the killer will likely be someone you know.
Scary, right? Don’t you wish there was something you could do to prevent your untimely, bloody, gory, violent demise?
Well, guess what, buddy? Now there is! With Krystal & Kristen’s patented Killer Questionnaire, you can get inside the minds of those around you to find out:
Are they dear friends or deadly foes?
How it Works
The Killer Questionnaire Kit includes 300 forms with questions designed to save your life. Simply ask every single person you know to fill one out so you can gauge their likelihood of murdering you in cold blood.
Your mother. The mail carrier. Your boss. The cashier at Dunkin Donuts. EVERYONE with whom you regularly interact needs to complete the form so you can stay one step ahead of any homicidal maniacs.
Here’s a sneak peek at the questions:
- On a scale of 1–10, how angry are you today? ___
- Was OJ innocent? Circle YES or NO
- Do you know where I live? Circle YES or NO or WE LIVE IN THE SAME HOUSE, IDIOT
- Do you like or dislike Ted Bundy? ___
- If you never met Ted Bundy, do you think you’d get along? YES NO
- What do you mean “He was executed in 1989”? How do you know? Are you fascinated with Ted Bundy or something? Answer in essay format:
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
- Have you ever followed me in a store or on the street? YES NO
- If YES, Did you see me interact with anyone? Did I sound cool? More importantly, did I look cool? YES NO
- If, in theory, you were planning to kill someone, would you keep their driver’s license as a trophy? YES NO
- I look a little cross-eyed in my driver’s license photo. Would you be willing to keep my Costco Membership Card instead? YES NO
Plus, 25 more questions keep you IN this world and OUT of a body bag!
Frequently Asked Questions
How often should I have my friends, family, and acquaintances fill out the form?
Every 3 days should suffice. If they are behaving oddly, increase the frequency to daily.
Odd behaviors include but are not limited to 1) muttering 2) driving at night 3) wearing glasses
There’s a strange guy walking up and down my street. When I look at him, he points at me and then makes a throat-cutting gesture. Should I give him the questionnaire?
No. He is not someone you know and, therefore, he is not likely to kill you.
My husband is insulted that I asked him to fill out the questionnaire. How do I respond?
ALL husbands are 84% likely to kill their spouses, but an insulted husband is 99% likely to grab an ax and start swingin’. Pack the kids if you have any and head to Mexico.
I gave the form to our 20-year-old intern at the office. She’s a quiet and diligent worker, but she wrote “Who is Ted Bundy?” in the essay section. I feel like it’s a trick. What do I do?
Kill her before she kills you.
The Killer Questionnaire in Practice
To show you all how easy this system is, Kristen visited her friend of 27 years to review her responses. Here’s their exchange:
Kristen: Christine, thanks for filling out the questionnaire and showing me you value my life.
Christine: No problem at all, my treasured friend.
Kristen: What? You’re kind of muttering. Why are you peeling an apple with a knife?
Christine: I like to be precise with my cuts.
Kristen: Uh, okay. So, I see you dislike Ted Bundy. That’s a relief, haha!
Christine: Does anyone know you’re here?
Kristen: Huh? Just Krystal. Wait. Your form says you followed me in Home Depot last weekend. I’m confused.
Christine: Oh, just a coincidence. I was getting the typical household essentials — bleach, a shovel, a tarp…
Kristen: But we live in different states. Why were you in my town? Hey, aren’t you going to eat that apple? Oh my God! Stop stabbing me!!
Krystal here. Unfortunately, Kristen is no longer with us, but if you ACT NOW you’ll get 25% off your first Killer Questionnaire Kit!
Also, if you’ve seen this woman, lock your doors and call the police:
Thanks Christopher Robin for inspiring me to use my own image for the story photo, which led me to rope in my poor friends and accuse them of being murderers.
I’m not sorry for roping in Krystal. She is a straight-up psycho.
Note: I need you all to understand that I misspelled “questionnaire” every single time I wrote it in the story and also just now. Fixing all of the errors made me a 9 on the angry scale. Might kill you all. Dun dun dun….
