Your neighborhood Target could be a drive- through very soon.

Gyms on the forefront

An industry-changing innovation is in the horizon to completely change how you do your shopping today. It’s based on a simple marketing ratio known as the Wachusett Coefficient after Franklin Wachusett, who discovered it and it’s application. Basically, it’s the correlation between the number of vacant parking spots in the proximity of a business’ main entrance and the length of time this is possible on any particular day. The Coefficient has been studied rigorously by many a statistician and no one seems in a position to refute the claims. The higher the ratio, the higher the customer retention.

Franklin conducted an experiment over a three year period at a gym, videotaping members circling parking lots until a spot very close to the doors opened up. At times, some drivers would speed off in frustration ostensibly furious at people coming out of the gym just to sit in their cars screwing around with their phones. He’d go on to be sued by several patrons who cited privacy concerns despite the fact that he blurred out their license plates.

Businesses across the country are embracing this approach. The Stop and Shop in Malden MA is one of many such businesses. It has seen a spike in sales following a 100% adoption of the Franklin theory. This involved placing entrances all around the store with accompanying parking lots. Some designers are even beta testing more radical modifications encouraged by results so far. Here are some of the ideas:

  • Allow motorists to taxi down aisles and pick out groceries.
  • Shifting floors that slide gym goers from the cardio to the strength training areas
  • Miniature cranes to lift free weights for gym goers. These can be operated right from the driver or passenger seats
  • Don’t have a car? Don’t fret. Smarter people than us are on the early stages of a revolutionary ramp so you can slide from the bus onto mall special slippery surfaces that enable you to slip and slide like a fuckmollusc from outlet to outlet.

Destroying ALL commercial brick and mortar structures has been proposed by an Atlanta architectural firm that likes to think outside the box. This would completely solve any difficulty associated with walking from a parking spot to a business as there would not be any business to walk to. Most city councils have found it hard to okay such a proposal ..due to lack of funds for the amount of TNT required.

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