Your Sex Horoscope

For the super sexy week at the beginning of December

Photo by pixel parker on Unsplash

Hey, don’t laugh. There’s more to heaven and earth than is dreamt of in your philosophy, cynical bastards. I’m here to provide you with a legitimate service, but you have to have an open mind. If you’re gonna get all sciency on me and tell me that the planets and the moon have no effect on your behavior, then let me ask you this — are you bigger and stronger than the fucking Atlantic Ocean? Cause guess what makes the tide come in and go out you ninny? That’s right, horoscopes do.

Aries

So if you’re an Aries, bad news, sorry. The moon is in your house, and you know what that means. The ram has his ass in the air and he’s farting in your general direction. Just hunker down with your rabbit or your bullet or your Hitachi magic wand and fuck yourself silly, because men are going to just mess you up this week.

Taurus

All right you bull bitches, the sun is hooking up with Saturn in your house, and that means threeways. Everybody, yes, every single female whose birthday is between April 20 and May something or other is going to have a threeway. Now you might object that it’s not possible, that you never heard of so many threeways. That’s like a billion three ways. Well, lemme tellya something, people have threeways and…